Its been a long hard fall, 2010.

Dear 2010,

We haven't exactly been on best terms have we?

If I'm really honest there's been a few times when I haven't been able to wait to see the back of you, counting down till the 31st December. All I wanted to do was hide under the duvet and wait.

You've made me see some home truths and made me reflect upon things gone by, I've wept more tears than I thought possible and felt as if everything was out of my control. I've lost a few friends, my perfect job is no longer on that pedastal and any glimpse of self-esteem and self-repsect I thought I had became non-existant for a long while. 2010, you held a mirror up to me and I didn't see what i expected to and then I crumbled under the pressure.

It makes me sad that I've hated you, 2010, I've blamed you for a lot of things because I really wanted you to be so much better. I've felt like someone let me down, like someone changed the rules and didn't give me a copy and I've been floundering ever since.

So, how are we going to go forward then?

I'm hopeful for 2011, but where does that leave you 2010?

I don't feel like I should bury you and forget you, no matter how much i may want to.

After all, this is the year where I also lost thirty pounds - twice! And yes, I put it back on, but its shown me that I can do it. I've also realised that i emotionally eat, which I've always denied, refused to accept in the past. I've realised that inside me somewhere is a creative person, and I need to do some damned creative things to help her come out. I've acknowledged that I have very little self-esteem and that the character I thought I was, was a cover for that. And whilst she can be built up, I need to look at ways to build up my self-esteem. I discovered that the consequences for this low self-esteem affect me in many different ways and that this is something I also need to explore. The most painful thing that I've realised is that I have a capacity to be a not-very-nice person, to be quite cruel at times, but, as cliche as this sounds, i think this hurts me more than it hurts others. I don't do very well with guilt and yet I have so many regrets for this year. I've remembered that I have a passion for reading and writing and that this is something that I want to continue. I also went camping for the first time since I was little and really enjoyed it. I've remembered that I actually do enjoy exercise and that I just need to keep reminding myself of this and keep it varied. I've learnt that I don't do well if i don't plan, so planning needs to become a good thing not something that i'm planning to fail. I've also realised that I am my harshest critic and there are times when i need to accept that i am human and so are others. I am not a victim, but i do succeed in making myself into one at times.

This year has been one of self-reflection which has been very painful at times. But it would be difficult to move on without this knowledge. Now that I have this knowledge I can't just leave it there. I don't want 2011 to be like this year or worse, i still have hope.

I want to like myself more and in doing so i want to be able to look at my reflection, not just my face, and weight-loss is a part of this journey.

So, 2010, i guess i have to thank you, you had to happen at some point and it was the luck of the draw that it was you and not any other year. But you have made me realise that somewhere in here, I am strong.

So good night, 2010, I'm going to put you to bed now.

Hello 2011.