Post of Utter Mammothness and Reflection

Yesterday whilst i put my mouth, body and brain on the naughty step, the more logical part of me (I'm yet to figure out which bit this is... ears maybe, little finger on my right hand?) made some goals for this week. This post is all about how I'm going to achieve my goals for this week.

Goal 1. Reflect upon last Saturday - why did you let it happen? What were you thinking that led to this behaviour? How are we going to change things? What habits are you going to break? What were you feeling before, during and after? Also reflect upon the positive from Saturday evening - This will happen tomorrow morning.

Thoughts/Feelings Before:
Woooohooooo!!! 6lbs!!! Yee-hah!! I wasn't expecting that in the slightest, in fact I'd have convinced myself that I was going to STS/gain despite following it since two Saturdays ago. I felt so proud of myself, so excited, so happy. So, I deserve a treat. I've done so well, sticking to plan, eating so much fruit and veg i think I'm turning green and making healthy options, reasonable portions, lots of water, some walking not alot though, but still enough to say well done. Let's treat ourselves. So , what do i do to treat myself when I'm spending a night in by myself normally?...hmmm... pizza, chips, ice-cream, crisps. Well obviously I can't have all of that so lets just choose pizza which i can share with other half before he goes out... and lets have crisps and if i buy them a multipack I'll only have individual packets. I know there's lots of nice stuff in the freezer, but i haven't binged like that in ages,I've got enough will power to cope.

I think its probably safe to say that I was feeling somewhat over-confident at that stage.

Feelings/thoughts During:
I'm feeling disappointed in myself, I'm feeling full, but I'm also thinking that i've got to continue because this is the one time im allowed to eat what I want, for the rest of the week I will have to be overly strict and then (the old classic) well i'm clearly over my limit now i might as well continue and eat what i want. Yes i felt guilty as well.

Now that I've read that I'm somewhat concerned with those comfortable stories, those lies that we tell ourselves to make us feel better and gosh aren't i just full to the brim of them still?

Okay.

The positive?
I didn't eat the entire pizza, or ice-cream, or chips, or finish the dips or finish the entire kitchen cupboards and fridge and freezer. There was once a time when I'd be able to do that (I remember being grounded once for eating a box of four cornetto's for the fifth week running that were meant for the family on sunday evenings after a roast dinner) and i'd do it with ease or i'd feel uncomfortable and make myself eat it anyway.
I didn't do that. I won't do that again.
Realistically binges will happen but not of that magnitude.
Part of me is glad I've had this binge, I can see what every point stands for and exactly how many points I would demolish with ease. Its shocking, slightly disturbing and saddening.
Okay, so changes?
I don't usually plan my saturdays, I tell myself I've got my dailies and I can use as many of my weeklies as possible. Realistically I need to start planning, even if its three options that i then pick and choose from.
Also I need to drink more at weekends, i quite often mistake thirst for hunger (seriously forgotten what genuine hunger feels like) and thats another place i go wrong.
And the whole 'treat' thinking/justifying - I'm treating myself by giving myself a healthy nutritious balanced meal full of veggies and fruit. I did think of doing that whilst I was buying all of this. It did cross my mind, i guess the change needs to be that i recognise that thoughts instead of burying it and follow it with the option of having a portioned treat later.
Habit/change?
If i'm honest - whilst it was planned that my other half went out and i stayed in and i'm not a cling-on i'm more than happy for him to have his own life - i felt lonely. It reminded me so much of when i was younger and alone in the house and that I ate food/drank wine so I wouldn't have to deal with, or even recognise that emotion, because eating that much does take time and by the time i was done eating, i'd be engrossed in the movies and then people would be back.
I felt lonely and left out and left behind.
And i've struggled with this emotion for a long time.
But its okay to say that and to recognise that.
It will just be important to recognise that in the future, say it and then treat myself with some amazing mango's or some blueberries heated up and put over a small portion of low fat ice-cream or sorbet.

2. Work out the activity points you are going to have to gain in order to at least break even, then work out if you can work this into your week. Be creative with these, variety is good.

So total for the week over what I'm allotted: 86 points
Take the 49 weeklies, leaves: 37 points.
So, I've got to achieve 37 activity points over five days which averages out to be approximately 7 points each of those days to break even.
I will walk to work once this week, walk everywhere i can at work, use the wii fitness/just dance/biggest loser and will be walking to a friends house (which is a 35 min walk each way) one night this week.

3. Vegetables and water, fruit and water, and some more water just in case and a few less dailies. No weeklies. Plan this tomorrow evening.

Doing good so far on this; at least two litres a day and hitting at least 6 a day on veg/fruit.

4. Do not let this happen next Saturday.

See below for meal plan.

5. Sit down and plan next week on Thursday evenings.

This will be done thurs evening.

6. How are you going to accept whatever the scales throw you on Saturday morning?

This is a bit scary to me, gains really really scare me - i know, i know, draw a line etc etc, but they scare because for one pound can become one stone in a matter of ten days (seriously not kidding here, did it once!) - and part of me, some creeping niggling horrible little voice, starts to tell me I'm never going to be able to lose weight.
So if I gain, I can't just 'accept it' but I can just accept that i've done everything since then to stick to the plan and that i'll do everything the week after to stick to the plan.
And then I'll write all those horrible little things that voice tells me and write them all down!

And now that this is possibly one of the longest posts I've ever written I'll stop.
I've reflected and set enough goals for this week, I now need to go and get some sleep!