The moment I wake up....

Croissant, Chips, Cake covered in Custard

2011-03-08T16:44:00.005Z

Today people were talking about school lunches.

Do you remember those days?

In junior school (ages 7-11ish), I was extremely proud of my My Little Pony Lunchbox. I think I remember having things like sandwiches wrapped in kitchen roll, crisps, a chocolate bar, a small yogurt, a small orange.
That's reasonably healthy for a long-legged mentalist of a child, i think?

Although, I vividly remember being mortified that my sandwiches were wrapped in kitchen roll and not cling film or kitchen foil - those things were fun, you can make shapes with them! Kitchen roll ends up soggy and a bit manky.
Looking back now, my lovely mum probably put a lot of effort into those making sure we were well fed and that the sandwiches were wrapped up neatly.
If only that was my biggest worry now - I'd have sandwiches covered in kitchen roll every day!

Then in senior school (ages 11-16ish) I remember starting off with the above then I had to go to school lunches, which consisted of £1.20 to spend on what i wanted! Yay! Well I'm 12, I'm not being funny, what do I know about nutrition?
A new bakery opened up on my route that took me to school and if you got there for 0825 on the dot, they would be taking freshly baked goodies out of the oven! And that is why i love croissants, freshly baked out of the oven, warm and still slightly gooey pastry goodness.
Then at lunch, I know that chips taste nice, okay so start with chips covered in vinegar, salt and ketchup - and they're only 60p!
(by the way I am slightly concerned about the fact that i can actually remember the prices for my school dinners from over ten years! Haha I'm not becoming senile!)
And then I've still got 35p left over, and that would go to one of three options:
1) A sweet roll (with pink icing on top) covered in custard (and the thick gooey proper school dinners style custard that, if you dropped it on your clothes your mum would have to scrub off because it cemented in!)
2) Millionaire's Shortbread, strawberry style - this consists of a layer of shortbread, covered in soft toffee (or strawberry!) sauce cooled down and then covered in chocolate
3) Or, on the way home, buy something from the local supermarket/sweet shop

And five years later, put on five stone.

(I remember once, later on, when I'd realised that I was different, when I was fatter than everyone else, I bought a salad roll. Hmmmm. That is why I do not like Iceberg lettuce to this day. I ditched the salad and ate the buttered roll whilst some girl commented on why i should actually eat the salad.)

The point of this stroll down memory lane is that when discussing this today, someone commented on those people - the ones that ate the chips and the custard, the ones that didn't fit in because they were fat - and called them 'little fat b**t**ds. And then everyone joined in in the laughter.

And half way through joining in with the laughter, I then realised that I was one of those kids.
And stopped laughing because, I didn't even know before then.
And everyone else just looked a bit awkward, because well I'm still the fat one in the group by quite a while.

I was angry and sad, but I didn't really know what to say.

I guess at least now I make a point of making different and exciting packed lunches (not wrapped in paper kitchen roll, might i add!) and making changes and I know that, mostly, I make healthy choices that help me in the afternoon so I don't get a slump. I've changed, I'm re-learning old patterns of behaviour that existed more than ten years ago.

So I'm making Progress.

I'm a Work-In-Progress.

And these things take time.

Only a quickie...

2011-03-07T21:27:00.002Z

I STS on sat - phew!
Planned and ate and exercised accordingly this weekend - yay!
Fitting in exercise - woo!
Forgot how yucky i get during exercise - yuck!
Off to shower - ew!
What do i do now that there's no Biggest Loser UK on monday eves - Ah!
Then sleep - zzzzz...

my thighs hurt.... oooowwwwwiiieeeee.....

will update properly tomorrow!

Post of Utter Mammothness and Reflection

2011-03-01T18:52:00.005Z

Yesterday whilst i put my mouth, body and brain on the naughty step, the more logical part of me (I'm yet to figure out which bit this is... ears maybe, little finger on my right hand?) made some goals for this week. This post is all about how I'm going to achieve my goals for this week.

Goal 1. Reflect upon last Saturday - why did you let it happen? What were you thinking that led to this behaviour? How are we going to change things? What habits are you going to break? What were you feeling before, during and after? Also reflect upon the positive from Saturday evening - This will happen tomorrow morning.

Thoughts/Feelings Before:
Woooohooooo!!! 6lbs!!! Yee-hah!! I wasn't expecting that in the slightest, in fact I'd have convinced myself that I was going to STS/gain despite following it since two Saturdays ago. I felt so proud of myself, so excited, so happy. So, I deserve a treat. I've done so well, sticking to plan, eating so much fruit and veg i think I'm turning green and making healthy options, reasonable portions, lots of water, some walking not alot though, but still enough to say well done. Let's treat ourselves. So , what do i do to treat myself when I'm spending a night in by myself normally?...hmmm... pizza, chips, ice-cream, crisps. Well obviously I can't have all of that so lets just choose pizza which i can share with other half before he goes out... and lets have crisps and if i buy them a multipack I'll only have individual packets. I know there's lots of nice stuff in the freezer, but i haven't binged like that in ages,I've got enough will power to cope.

I think its probably safe to say that I was feeling somewhat over-confident at that stage.

Feelings/thoughts During:
I'm feeling disappointed in myself, I'm feeling full, but I'm also thinking that i've got to continue because this is the one time im allowed to eat what I want, for the rest of the week I will have to be overly strict and then (the old classic) well i'm clearly over my limit now i might as well continue and eat what i want. Yes i felt guilty as well.

Now that I've read that I'm somewhat concerned with those comfortable stories, those lies that we tell ourselves to make us feel better and gosh aren't i just full to the brim of them still?

Okay.

The positive?
I didn't eat the entire pizza, or ice-cream, or chips, or finish the dips or finish the entire kitchen cupboards and fridge and freezer. There was once a time when I'd be able to do that (I remember being grounded once for eating a box of four cornetto's for the fifth week running that were meant for the family on sunday evenings after a roast dinner) and i'd do it with ease or i'd feel uncomfortable and make myself eat it anyway.
I didn't do that. I won't do that again.
Realistically binges will happen but not of that magnitude.
Part of me is glad I've had this binge, I can see what every point stands for and exactly how many points I would demolish with ease. Its shocking, slightly disturbing and saddening.
Okay, so changes?
I don't usually plan my saturdays, I tell myself I've got my dailies and I can use as many of my weeklies as possible. Realistically I need to start planning, even if its three options that i then pick and choose from.
Also I need to drink more at weekends, i quite often mistake thirst for hunger (seriously forgotten what genuine hunger feels like) and thats another place i go wrong.
And the whole 'treat' thinking/justifying - I'm treating myself by giving myself a healthy nutritious balanced meal full of veggies and fruit. I did think of doing that whilst I was buying all of this. It did cross my mind, i guess the change needs to be that i recognise that thoughts instead of burying it and follow it with the option of having a portioned treat later.
Habit/change?
If i'm honest - whilst it was planned that my other half went out and i stayed in and i'm not a cling-on i'm more than happy for him to have his own life - i felt lonely. It reminded me so much of when i was younger and alone in the house and that I ate food/drank wine so I wouldn't have to deal with, or even recognise that emotion, because eating that much does take time and by the time i was done eating, i'd be engrossed in the movies and then people would be back.
I felt lonely and left out and left behind.
And i've struggled with this emotion for a long time.
But its okay to say that and to recognise that.
It will just be important to recognise that in the future, say it and then treat myself with some amazing mango's or some blueberries heated up and put over a small portion of low fat ice-cream or sorbet.

2. Work out the activity points you are going to have to gain in order to at least break even, then work out if you can work this into your week. Be creative with these, variety is good.

So total for the week over what I'm allotted: 86 points
Take the 49 weeklies, leaves: 37 points.
So, I've got to achieve 37 activity points over five days which averages out to be approximately 7 points each of those days to break even.
I will walk to work once this week, walk everywhere i can at work, use the wii fitness/just dance/biggest loser and will be walking to a friends house (which is a 35 min walk each way) one night this week.

3. Vegetables and water, fruit and water, and some more water just in case and a few less dailies. No weeklies. Plan this tomorrow evening.

Doing good so far on this; at least two litres a day and hitting at least 6 a day on veg/fruit.

4. Do not let this happen next Saturday.

See below for meal plan.

5. Sit down and plan next week on Thursday evenings.

This will be done thurs evening.

6. How are you going to accept whatever the scales throw you on Saturday morning?

This is a bit scary to me, gains really really scare me - i know, i know, draw a line etc etc, but they scare because for one pound can become one stone in a matter of ten days (seriously not kidding here, did it once!) - and part of me, some creeping niggling horrible little voice, starts to tell me I'm never going to be able to lose weight.
So if I gain, I can't just 'accept it' but I can just accept that i've done everything since then to stick to the plan and that i'll do everything the week after to stick to the plan.
And then I'll write all those horrible little things that voice tells me and write them all down!

And now that this is possibly one of the longest posts I've ever written I'll stop.
I've reflected and set enough goals for this week, I now need to go and get some sleep!

The Good and The Bad

2011-02-28T21:36:00.004Z

The most amazing thing happened for me this weekend.

Firstly - the scales were actually working - hurrah!!
Secondly - i lost 6lbs over the last two weeks - I'm so pleased!
Thirdly - that's a 19lb total and I've reached my 5% weight loss - YES!

Then Saturday came...

We had lunch out which consisted of a white baguette full of shredded pork, bbq sauce and apple sauce with curly fries to which I added some mayo and ketchup (I know, I know...)
The damage? Approximately: 27 points

On a side note, since when are side salads this small...

Really? This isn't a salad! This is two lettuce leaves, one cherry tomato chopped in half, on slither of red onion and all of it disguised by a bucketload of salad dressing (and I also asked for no dressing - as if that would absolve my food sins!)

Then the evening came.

Now, before I own up, I have to admit something here, between the ages of 12 and 18 (ish) I would be left on my own one evening a week(ish) a couple of months a year whilst the parents/sister did there thing. I would go to the co-op and spend my paper round/weekend job wages and rent a video (pre-DVD times!) and buy £10-20 worth of junk food, usually consisting of a 14" pizza, chips, a big bag of crisps (Kettle chips or a 6pack of Pombear for those interested), a four pack of dips, some chocolate biscuits (usual a packet of chocolate hobnobs), a pot of icecream and when I was older it would be washed down with a bottle of wine. I'd be able to eat all of this without struggling. At the start of this time I weighed approx 12 stone and progressed up to 17 stone. Obviously, reflecting back these evenings have clearly contributed to my weight gain as I would eat all of this after some kind of breakfast, a lunch and a home-cooked dinner. God, no wonder I felt so sad and alone.

So saturday evening then.
I bought a 14" ham and pineapple pizza - in my defence this was originally going to be shared between the two of us for lunch... but it didn't quite happen like that. I ate half, with ketchup and mayo.
I bought a packet of oreo cookies because they were half price and I fancied it. I ate the whole packet.
I bought a multi-pack of 6 Pom-bear crisps and a multi-pack of reduced fat dips. I ate all of the crisps and varying amounts of the dips.
I opened a bottle of cider, but only drank four mouthfuls.
I then opened two nestle mint crisp lollies and covered them in two tablespoons worth of thick double cream (to get the frozen cream effect which I find really yummy.)
And to top it all off I had one fudge bar.
The damage? Approximately: 102 points!!!

To total off the day, whilst I gained 9 activity points, I also ate a whopping total of 131 points for the day - between 9am and 1am the following day.

Ouch doesn't really begin cover it.

Goals for the next week

1. Reflect upon last Saturday - why did you let it happen? What were you thinking that led to this behaviour? How are we going to change things? What habits are you going to break? What were you feeling before, during and after? Also reflect upon the positive from Saturday evening - This will happen tomorrow morning.
2. Work out the activity points you are going to have to gain in order to at least break even, then work out if you can work this into your week. Be creative with these, variety is good.
3. Vegetables and water, fruit and water, and some more water just in case and a few less dailies. No weeklies. Plan this tomorrow evening.
4. Do not let this happen next Saturday.
5. Sit down and plan next week on Thursday evenings.
6. How are you going to accept whatever the scales throw you on Saturday morning?

Walk-it 52 project: Weeks 4-6

2011-02-28T19:03:00.007Z

I've been following on with as per the Walk-it 52 project and they've all lasted well over the hour, it not over two hours!

WEEK ONE

It was such an over cast day, i had my massive coat and boots on with my hands hidden away in my pockets but right in the middle of my walk there was a ray of sunshine shining straight down onto this electricity machiney thing and these two cats were sunbathing. It amused me!

WEEK TWO

Its been raining really heavily the last few weeks, so when we were walking across the beach there was a random big deep puddle in the middle of the beach that was draining off to the sea to get rid of the all the excess rain water - to me it just looked like anything could emerge from it!

WEEK THREE

This time whilst going for a walk it started completely tipping it down. I'm not even exaggerating, it was hailing out there! So we ran into these gardens and just as we arrived it stopped and we were greeted with this view! How beautiful!

And here's a little close-up...

Of course, as we left the gardens it did start raining again!

A mouthful here and there won't hurt...

2011-02-23T19:07:00.003Z

On Sunday, I did a lot of cooking.

I cooked breakfast for two, sandwiches for lunch, roast dinner in the evening and food for lunch on Mon and Tues and made sure I had food sorted ready for breakfast.

Not loads by my standards, but it took a lot of time up.

During this I reckon I gained a few pp activity points by defrosting the freezer - what a nightmare job, it reminded why i generally say I'm going to do it then conveniently have to go out that evening :)

But my point was that during that day, i snacked on some fruit, which is good, but also ripped the crust off a slice of bread and had some low fat spread on it, had a spoonful of Ben and Jerry's phish food frozen yogurt, had a handful of frozen chips (don't ask, got into in via a friend and still do it now - i know its so many levels of wrong!!!), I also had a drizzle of cream over my hot chocolate.

And, I didn't point any of it.

When bedtime hits I spend roughly ten minutes checking ww community boards online and completing my tracker and I made the decision to point everything. Luckily I had quite a few points left and was able to make up for any potential damages.

But it does remind me, how a mouthful here and there really needs to be pointed as it can quickly add up to 10+ points without really thinking about it.

And that's the main point, 'without really thinking about it'.

Ultimately, I am thinking about it, I am making a decision to get a spoon and eat some ice-cream and with that I have to make the decision to work out the propoints and record them in my tracker. Its not about embarrassing myself about what, how, when I eat, its just about being honest about where my old eating have really impacted on my life and my health.

So here's to recording those mouthfuls - may they be few but worth it!

Monday 21st February
51/50 points consumed 45/49 weeklies
8 veg/fruit consumed
7 glasses of water consumed
9 activity points gained through walking/wii fitness

Tuesday 22nd February
51/50 points consumed 46/49 weeklies
8 veg/fruit consumed
7 glasses of water consumed
3 activity points gained through walking

Out of Order

2011-02-21T18:40:00.006Z

I like things following a process and things fulfilling my expectations, I expect buses to stick to the schedule and for people to be on time. It just makes me feel less stressed, if things are as they should be (or as I think they should be!)

I know, pretty rigid and inflexible.

I think it links to why I'm an all-or-nuffin kinda gal.

So, imagine how I felt when I turned up to my local pharmacy and the weighing machine has something similar to this.

Annoyed, really does not cover it.

I can't actually describe how annoyed I felt, but i did result in me proceeding to tell my other half how annoyed I was with this on and off for about an hour before being dragged into the cinema (where you kind of have to shut up!), but not before updating my facebook to tell everyone I know how much it annoyed me.

The soggywetlettuceleaf brain:
"I mean how dare they right? Do they not know that I don't weigh in at a ww meeting, that I don't own scales (largely because alot of them don't cover up to my weight and will do so on a carpeted bathroom as well)! Do they not realise I am on a very important weight loss journey, that I need to know what my weight is, so then I can work out how good I need to be this week. I've got to plan my week, my weight loss affects this. And I wanted to know if my BMI had gone down, if I'd finally hit that stone, I wanted to update everything, pat my self on the back and say well done.
I'm really annoyed."

And then I read it.

Does my weight-in really affect how good I'm going to be in the next week?

jeez.

I forgot how much that little number means to me.

I need to move on from this way of thinking. Weight loss or STS or even (heaven forfend) a gain shouldn't really affect how 'good' I am (or I'm not.) The fact that i'm trying to reclaim my physical health, my emotional health, that I'm trying to learn healthy eating habits that will stand me in good stead for the rest of my life should be what affects me, what motivates me. And ultimately, whilst there will be social occasions that now and again warrant a 'within-reason-you-can-eat-what-you-want-you-know-the-consequences' approach, overall, choosing broccoli over ice-cream, choosing a salad over a portion (or three) of chips and then some fruit within a measured portion of ice-cream, if i so wish, thats all the journey that i can choose to be on.

So this week, I don't know how much I weigh.

But I'm going to stick to my points, get in exercise, eat fruit/veg and drink lots of water because I want to make changes that are going to last the rest of my life, not because I want a momentary yay on the scales.

Points Diary

2011-02-21T18:22:00.002Z

Wednesday 16th February
42/50 points consumed 0 weeklies
8 veg/fruit consumed
4 glasses of water consumed
5 activity points gained through walking

Thursday 17th February
50/50 points consumed 0 weeklies
5 veg/fruit consumed
6 glasses of water consumed
3 activity points gained through walking

Friday 18th February
48/50 points consumed 0 weeklies
3 veg/fruit consumed
5 glasses of water consumed
2 activity points gained through walking

Saturday 19th February (weigh-in day)
50/50 points consumed 44/49 weeklies
4 veg/fruit consumed
6 glasses of water consumed
5 activity points gained through walking

Sunday 20th February
47/50 points consumed 44/49 weeklies
6 veg/fruit consumed
6 glasses of water consumed
2 activity points gained through walking

It's all about the Denim!

2011-02-15T20:08:00.004Z

I love jeans, i love too long, baggy, comfy jeans, I've been wearing the same brands of flared jeans for a few years now.

I go to buy some more as both of my current pairs are dying a painful threadbare death and whats happened? They don't make them any more.

The only things that are about in my size and my height are boot cut and skinny jeans neither of which particularly flatter my shape.

I feel a sulk coming on and this calls for a big sad face :(

Booooooooo!

Tuesday 15th Feb
47/50 points consumed
7 veg/fruit consumed
7 glasses of water consumed
2 activity points gained through walking

Happy Valentines Day!

2011-02-14T21:17:00.006Z

As me and the OH only spend the weekends together, we had a lovely long valentines weekend together where we went to our local Prezzo Italian Restaurant

Although its really frustrating that they don't seem to be sharing their nutritional value so we can't work out the exact points! Grr!
We had breadcrumbed mozarella with a salad and split the balsamic onion garlic bread (if someone can make this low point i will have marry them!) and then for my main i had (from the light option menu) the chicken and rosemary flatbread, which i would really recommend (didn't think to take photos though sorry!) - really nice but so carb heavy, along with half a bottle of wine, I ended up with indigestion. Damnit.
I can't believe how full i felt, we were there for about two hours and i just couldn't finish that flatbread.

Having said that, I really enjoyed the meal and the evening in general :)
I also bought a brand new dress from Evans

Which is really flattering on and made me feel super good! :)
In fact, it probably was a NSV as i've never really felt comfortable wearing boots, leggings and a tunic/dress. I've also felt that it just makes from thighs to abs really blobby and circular looking on me. But I didn't really feel like that with this one!

Happy Valentines Weekend!

Monday 14th Feb
41/50 points consumed
5 veg/fruit consumed
5 glasses of water consumed
3 activity points gained through walking

Work in Progress

2011-02-13T22:25:00.005Z

Week number six.
Weigh-in number six.
11.5% through the year.

When I was going to the scales on Saturday morning, I was hopeful.

I stayed the same.

I wasn't very frustrated but i was disappointed.
I didn't really expect it.
Like I said in my previous post, I wanted at the very least one pound.
And I'm not going to lie, although i was planning to use most of my points on Saturday evening, I gave myself carte blanche.

On Saturday i ate 121 points (this did include alot of alcohol and a meal out after a three hour walk)
On Sunday (today) i ate 62 points.
I'm -13 for the week so far.

But the thing is, bizarre as this sounds, I don't regret it.
I had a lovely evening Saturday.
I even turned away (some!) food when I felt bloated, although I can't say the same for the alcohol sadly. But it was enjoyable and it was worth the points.
And, although i AM going to stick to plan this week, if i gain next week - Its okay to be disappointed, frustrated and annoyed, I just need to continue to work through it.

Possible reasons why i STS:
- I've taken to having hot chocolate with skimmed milk in the evening before bed - I'm wondering if the sugar is affecting me
- I haven't slept well this week - lack of sleep doesn't help me lose weight, in fact being honest I've felt down right exhausted this week
- I haven't been drinking any where near as much water as we should have, 3/4 drinks tops.
- I had a breakfast of protein every single day, whilst it was within my dailies - maybe this had an effect
- Complete lack of exercise other than walking to work
- Fruit and veg has been hit and miss, some days over, some days under.
- And finally, i used up all my weeklies

Hmmm... I think i might go back to writing a brief reflection/summary of the day to just help me be more aware of whats going on

The things that concern me the most is the exercise and the water then this should help with the sleep.
I have a litre bottle on my desk - I'm going to aim to drink three of these a day.
The exercise.... I know I need to fit this in somewhere, this is a life change i need to make.

I get up at 0630.
I leave my house at 0715.
I'm at work from 0800 until 1630.
I get home at 1700.
I cook/eat/cook until 1900.
By then I'm exhausted, I shower, I check emails, I read, I phone my OH and then watch TV for a bit and then fall asleep anywhere between 1100 and 0100.

I have a wii, just dance, wii fit, pilates, yoga, Davina exercise DVD's.
But I just can't seem to pluck the motivation to start to work this into my day-to-day life.

I've progressed a lot in terms of what i eat, but not in terms of exercise, i think i need to start branching out.

Bye-Bye Cupcake

2011-02-06T17:07:00.003Z

I didn't weigh in the last two weeks.

My time went like this:

weekend one: cravings, eat everything, forget breakfast, eat, eat, eat, fast food - argh! I can't see an increase on the scales, i just can't...
week one: away in a hotel all week - stuck to it mon-fri - pointed everything
weekend two: works do out, eat, eat, eat, drink, drink, drink - conscious decision weeks ago not to weigh this week
week two: stick to the points, no weeklies, more veg/fruit, few walks
weekend three: loss of 4lb over the last two weeks - phew!

I'm petty damn chuffed if I'm honest.

Generally if I'm away at a hotel, or even if i have a long train journey its an excuse to eat what ever the hell I want. Anything and everything as long as i can carry it. Seriously the last time I was on a four hour train journey, I spent twenty pounds on what ever I could buy. And to fool myself that I wasn't completely a bad person, I'd buy a fruit salad or something similar, which is even worse that I'm trying to fool myself!

This time, I had water, pre-made sandwiches and pom-bear crisps (i heart these!) and enough motivation to look longingly at all the amazing shops with all the beautiful sugary treats. I walked away from cupcakes dagnamit!! Then, every single night at the hotel there was a three course dinner and every single night bar the last one i chose salad for the starter, reasonably healthy main and then fruit salad for dessert.

I said no to ben and jerrys, burgers, profiteroles, curries, chinese, roast dinners and cheesecakes.

And for that I'm proud.

Well done me.

This week I'd like to lose at least the one pound to make it a stone, but I'd like to see 2-3 loss. And try to gain at least 15 activity points this week!

Walk-it 52 Project: Weeks 1-3

2011-02-06T16:34:00.007Z

So, I emailed Mollie and she has said I can join the Walk-it 52 Project (despite being utterly resistant to walking in storms!)and now that the weather has cleared up (slightly!) and I'm not stuck in a hotel next to a motorway on training it means I've been able to get some walks in :)

yay!*

So Week One:

My favourite photo so far. So there we were, casually walking across the sea front when... hello mr chair! No idea where it came from and it wasn't there when we walked back the same way. And with the stormy weather (as you can see by the sea!) its not exactly an ideal viewing position!

A good photo to start with, i think!

Week Two:

I like how this looks, it was nearing sun down and we were hurrying to get into town, but it looked so pretty with sun glinting through the bare tree leaves and then the shadows look like super long legs.

Week Three:

There was loads of little clusters of snowdrops and crocruses hiding behind much bigger trees and bushes so I got a few weird looks when I emerged from the bushes after snapping this one!

What a good start - but considering it's actually week six (if you say sunday is the start of the week) I'm going to have to get a few more walks in to catch up!

*All photos are taken by mine or the other halfs phone which may equal horrendously naff photos! Just a warning!

A rant, a brain fart and a reasoning

2011-01-17T20:40:00.004Z

I'm going to rant for a few minutes right now..
It is raining, well not just raining, absolutely hammering it down. And thundering. And lightning. And more damned rain!

I really wanted to join the Walk-it 52 Project over at Molly-Marie Gets Healthy, one of my new years resolution is to walk to work!

But alas it is not meant to be! But I'm going to email Mollie and see if she'll let me join and I'll start as soon as I either buy a heavy duty water proof jacket and wellies or the rain stops. And then I'll add the beautiful button link if she says yes! :) (with some photos to make up for the two weeks missed so far!)

And I know in the grand scheme of things, its not that big a deal, I'm indoors safe from this weather with my family but it is really annoying me!

Also, as I've just had a random brain-fart - this year is all about the 52.
Project 52, I've joined 'The Losing 50lbs in 52 weeks' on the weight watchers community boards with Fatgirlslim and 52 is double my age currently!

Maybe its a sign, maybe 2011 will be a good year!

Mmmm... minty fresh!

2011-01-17T20:10:00.003Z

Well, i've got my Options Mint Madness Hot Chocolate whilst hiding from the major thunder storm that we've got going on over here!

So why did I have my blip this weekend?

- It was raining, i was annoyed that I couldn't get out as I'd planned
- I was inside watching DVD's all snuggled up - i always eat food, mostly junk food when I'm watching a film - a habit
- I was annoyed and diasappointed and upset that I'd only lost a pound
- I kept going over all the opportunities I'd had to lose more than a pound
- I started thinking about and worrying about next week when I'm away for a week and all food is cooked for me and I always fail at those sort of events, I generally have a month-long blip
- I also gave myself permission - all the hard work I'd put into sticking to my points over the last two weeks, I was giving myself a reward

So all those frustrations, all those habits, all those rewards - all the ways I normally deal with food.
Hmmm...
I know habits can be broken, I know emotions can be recognised and dealt with and non-culinary rewards can be replaced or at least minimalised!
And I'm working on these... the rewards are now going to be cd's, nailvarnish, DVDs and chamilia beads and when I manage to go down in sizes, clothes and shoes.

I have to accept that habits take time to break and not only that it is acceptable to have a blip on occasion. I'm not perfect and neither are my dietry habits. And neither should they be. They should be the best that i can be on any given day.

With the emotions, its a work in progress.

But right now, I'm optimistic and I'm going to finish this hot chocolate before watching the Biggest Loser UK.

One pound. One step.

2011-01-16T21:48:00.003Z

Well this weekend has been a weekend of horrendous weather - rain, rain and more rain. I had so many plans for lots of lovely walks with nice views and to come home with red cheeks from the wind and then really appreciate all the lovely food.

Well, someone didn't want me to have that so instead it was full of really really really awful DVDs (except for Shrek Forever After, I quite like that one! Does that make me a bad person!?) and I ate loads.

I haven't pointed it all yet, I'm going to do that tomorrow evening.
But what is good is that I'm okay with it - two weeks and no blip? I'm allowed one, its okay, i forgive you SWL! And it wasn't even a binge, when i've binged before, literally everything that i can eat/turn into something edible gets eaten, i've often had to go and get a food shop after a binge whilst this was jsut a few bits and pieces. Over what i'd allotted and i'm sure it will have dug a hole out of my weekly allowance, but a blip is what describes it i think.

But what is important is that i look at the reasons why it happened.

Well, i lost a pound on Saturday.
I stuck to the pp, I ate a few of my weekly allowance and I only lost a pound.
I know, I know - a pound is brilliant, so many weeks of maintaining or putting on, a pound is fan-bloody-tastic. I should be proud and a part of me is, so there is progress. But the other part of me wanted 3pounds and was disappointed when the scales didn't reflect that.

Over the next twenty four hours I'm going to think how i can tackle these thoughts and look at any other reasons why i ate food that i hadn't planned for.

But on the bright side I did spend a nice weekend all cuddled up, and i guess a pound is worth it for that.

One pound a week - 52 pounds - leads to 18 stone 6, which is lighter than I've been for nearly a decade so that is a good thing - one step at a time :)

A Gentle Reminder

2011-01-09T22:36:00.001Z

"Be gentle with yourself and celebrate who you are and how far you have come"

2011's To-do list

2011-01-09T20:53:00.004Z

I'm not very good at resolutions - generally they're broken by five minutes past midnight. And I'm not very good at goals - i don't really know what my goals are, I struggle with moving towards achieving them if they seem too big, too unattainable.

But I know I'm good at 'To-do' lists. Both at home and at work, if its on the list, I like being able to work towards crossing them out and saying done!

I would like to thank JewliaGoulia for this post - it was very inspirational and motivational and reminded me to be creative and use the things that I like to achieve things - hence the to-do list and the different categories - thankyou!

TO-DO LIST 2011

Personal:
* Continue to pay off my debt
* Do not add to my debt!
* Return to counselling to work on building self-esteem
* Sell clothing that does not fit - if not ebay, then charity shop/freecycle it
* Continue to use Origins skin care - cleanse, tone and moisturise
* Remove all make up before bedtime, moisturise as well
* Get a new daytime make-up look
* Go camping
* Start being more creative - create a cushion, a bag, a scarf
* Plan Christmas in advance - try to be creative where possible but buy/create a present each month
* Build your social network back up - meet with oldest friend at least once a month
* Start a quilt - look at this green quilt on etsy for inspiration
* Start to set aside 30 minutes that are just yours

Healthy-Living:
* Use the wii fitness programme
* Work towards accepting your body - you are strong!
* Work towards alternative coping strategies for emotional eating
* If emotional eating occurs, accept that it is not a failure, look at the reasons why it occurred and develop a plan for if these can be avoided in future
* Aim for five-a-day using any means you can
* Drink more water - you know you get migraines if you don't
* Start to take your vitamins - look at previous links to recall them!
* Book in to to see a homeopath
* Complete Yoga DVD once a week

Weight-Loss:
* Have rewards (none-food) for every ten pounds lost - plan these on another post
* 50lbs lost by December 25th 2011
* Measure inches lost every three months - January, April, July, October, December
* Keep your food diary - account for everything even if it is over the top
* Have a vegetarian meal at least once a week
* Eat fish at least once a week

Professional:
* Develop goals on what you would like to work towards career wise
* Look at finances/time scale - make these goals SMART
* Look at local college courses in September - if not available do an online course
* Price up driving lessons - see if this will fit into your budget
* Continue to develop time-management skills

Well, its a list and a half, bit i do have just under 360 days to achieve it!

Its been a long hard fall, 2010.

2011-01-05T13:40:00.001Z

Dear 2010,

We haven't exactly been on best terms have we?

If I'm really honest there's been a few times when I haven't been able to wait to see the back of you, counting down till the 31st December. All I wanted to do was hide under the duvet and wait.

You've made me see some home truths and made me reflect upon things gone by, I've wept more tears than I thought possible and felt as if everything was out of my control. I've lost a few friends, my perfect job is no longer on that pedastal and any glimpse of self-esteem and self-repsect I thought I had became non-existant for a long while. 2010, you held a mirror up to me and I didn't see what i expected to and then I crumbled under the pressure.

It makes me sad that I've hated you, 2010, I've blamed you for a lot of things because I really wanted you to be so much better. I've felt like someone let me down, like someone changed the rules and didn't give me a copy and I've been floundering ever since.

So, how are we going to go forward then?

I'm hopeful for 2011, but where does that leave you 2010?

I don't feel like I should bury you and forget you, no matter how much i may want to.

After all, this is the year where I also lost thirty pounds - twice! And yes, I put it back on, but its shown me that I can do it. I've also realised that i emotionally eat, which I've always denied, refused to accept in the past. I've realised that inside me somewhere is a creative person, and I need to do some damned creative things to help her come out. I've acknowledged that I have very little self-esteem and that the character I thought I was, was a cover for that. And whilst she can be built up, I need to look at ways to build up my self-esteem. I discovered that the consequences for this low self-esteem affect me in many different ways and that this is something I also need to explore. The most painful thing that I've realised is that I have a capacity to be a not-very-nice person, to be quite cruel at times, but, as cliche as this sounds, i think this hurts me more than it hurts others. I don't do very well with guilt and yet I have so many regrets for this year. I've remembered that I have a passion for reading and writing and that this is something that I want to continue. I also went camping for the first time since I was little and really enjoyed it. I've remembered that I actually do enjoy exercise and that I just need to keep reminding myself of this and keep it varied. I've learnt that I don't do well if i don't plan, so planning needs to become a good thing not something that i'm planning to fail. I've also realised that I am my harshest critic and there are times when i need to accept that i am human and so are others. I am not a victim, but i do succeed in making myself into one at times.

This year has been one of self-reflection which has been very painful at times. But it would be difficult to move on without this knowledge. Now that I have this knowledge I can't just leave it there. I don't want 2011 to be like this year or worse, i still have hope.

I want to like myself more and in doing so i want to be able to look at my reflection, not just my face, and weight-loss is a part of this journey.

So, 2010, i guess i have to thank you, you had to happen at some point and it was the luck of the draw that it was you and not any other year. But you have made me realise that somewhere in here, I am strong.

So good night, 2010, I'm going to put you to bed now.

Hello 2011.

A few points...

2011-01-04T11:58:00.005Z

Thankyou for your kind words of support, much needed :)

I've got a few days before I go back to work after the long christmas break and i'm spending it looking over the pro-points revolution, woah what a change!

I apparently have 49 points with 49 points for the week, which confuses me as i'm not sure yet what that means. I went to my local big supermarket to try and get some ww pp food to try and make this week a little easier, but did they have any? Nooooooo! How frustrating.

So I've signed up for the online ww and am reading through all the material and looking at buying the new pp calculator and pedometer. I've also bought the new ww magazine which i'm getting some recipe ideas from.

The change is a little scary, i've always known exactly what everything is in points and if not i've got the books that will tell me, i know how many minutes swimming gives me 2 activity points. But i guess we're all in the same boat!

I'm also thinking about resolutions ideas - what do i want to do and achieve in 2011?

I also want to get out of this depressing mood that i seem to be stuck in at the moment, what music makes people grin from ear to ear?

Can i sneak in through the backdoor please?

2010-12-30T13:34:00.004Z

This past six months have been horrible in words i can't describe and to be honest i don't really want to poor everything onto these white pages.

But as is my usual way of dealing with things i removed myself from online (largely due to laptop infestations as well) removed myself from any support and i took advantage of the 3 tubs of ice-cream for a pound deal that my local supermarket was offering, and then i may have taken advantage of the offer on chrisps, and chocolate and possibly the offer on cakes.

And surprisingly i've put on a lot of weight.

And on monday/tuesday i'm going to weigh myself.
And I'm going to measure myself.
And I'm probably going to have a little cry (well, big old snotty sob is more like.)
And then i'm going to wipe my tears and start planning.

But ladies, if anyone out there is listening, i need your support, i look around and i see everyone doing so well and i just need to know that this weight loss, this self-love it will happen, i've just got to let it take time.
That it will happen.

I need to keep telling myself that.
But it wouldn't hurt to hear it from you guys :)

Brief return

2010-09-21T16:00:00.002+01:00

Hello those of you who may still wonder if i'm alive!

Well, I am, but my laptop is not :(
I am very very sad and in mourning.
He is being sent away to be rejigged and rejagged and other computery type things done to him and i'm hoping in the next fortnight i'll be back online.

I've put 13lbs back on which i am very frustrated with, but hopefully coming back to being a regular blogger soon will help me soooooo much!

Missing this whole place so damn much!

Soggy x

The one in which viruses attack this soggy lettuce

2010-08-09T20:01:00.003+01:00

Hello,

this is just to say my beloved soggy laptop has had to be sent away due to nasty viruses and my phone isn't really conducive to blogging! (as you can see by any typo's/minimal punctuation)

I'm having an emotional eating frenzy at the moment but i'm trying and i guess thats all i can ask.

Hopefully I'll be back and fully functional soon

Hope everyone is doing well and that weightloss is slowly but surely heading in the right direction!

x

In which a soggy lettuce leaf battles with Ice-cream

2010-07-25T19:36:00.005+01:00

The night before my weigh-in and I'm struggling with ice-cream. I've had six points worth today but its incorporated into my daily point allowance. Then there was another pot of ice-cream staring at me, calling me from the freezer.

So i took it out.

I got a spoon.

I ate one spoonful.

And then...

Then I went and ran the hot water and ran it over the ice-cream till it melted like the wicked witch of the west! I want to be the person that have a pot of ice-cream in her freezer and be able to just have a small amount, a limited amount, a measured and pointed amount, but I'm still on this journey and that's something I'm either going to have to work towards or accept that its just not going to happen.

So, this week has been mixed and its made me think about my weight loss so far. I've lost 30 pounds and I can see it in my face, i can wear (slightly) smaller trousers than i could six months, my belts are on the smaller notch's and i can notice my waist a little more. But I just don't see it, see it. Does anyone else do this? You have all the proof that you are losing weight but its difficult to see? I'm not in a size 16 yet, all of my clothes aren't falling off me and that's whats difficult, the change is happening but its subtle and slow. Whilst i think subtle and slow is for the best, i can't help but want fit and fabulous furiously fast!

So i decided to take some measurements.....

Measurements for 25th July 2010

1. BUST: 50.5"
2. CHEST: 45"
3. WAIST: 45"
4. HIPS: 54"
5. MIDWAY: 53.5"
6. LEFT THIGH: 32"
7. LEFT KNEE: 19"
8. LEFT CALF: 19"
9. LEFT UPPER ARM: 17"
10. LEFT FOREARM: 12.5"

In seven weeks:
Pounds: 21.4 1/2 to 20.5 - 13.5lbs
BMI points: 40.4 to 38.6 - 1.8 BMI points
Inches: 350.5 - 347.5 - 3 inches

I'm not what my weigh-in will tell me tomorrow, but at the end of the day I've lost More weight than i have done in quite a while, my waist in 5inches smaller than September 2008 and I think I have to remind myself of that when i look at myself and i see something other than what the mirror is actually showing me.

Points Diary

2010-07-21T21:52:00.007+01:00

Tuesday 20th July 2010
24 points consumed
5 veg/fruit consumed
5.5 points gained through exercise

Wednesday 21st July 2010
22.5 points consumed
7 veg/fruit consumed
5.0 points gained through exercise

I've been trying lots of new dishes lately with varying results...

Walnut Pasta (with 0 point spinach)

I'm not sure what i thought of this, it tastes nice, it should taste nice but something just wasn't quite right with it.... hmmmmm

Apple crumble

This was soooo yummy - i wanted to eat it all up. I had it with some low fat banana sorbet - even more yummier if that was possible!

Stir-fry

This was soooooooo unbelievably good, it was great, i loved the peanut butter in there and there was so much, if i'm honest i really struggled to finish it, but boy was i determined to get all the taste and flavour.

Breakfast Oats

This has become a staple for me lately, fruit covered in low fat natural greek yoghurt mixed with cinnamon and then covered in toasted oats and half a tbsp of maple syrup - yummers! (it was also in the most recent ww magazine under the breakfast recipes section)

Changes and why weight loss is a good thing

2010-07-20T22:26:00.003+01:00

I had a thoughtful, deep and psychological post planned for this evening.
Reasons why I had a bad week last week, reasons why its uncomfortable to change, both physically and emotionally and why sometimes its just damned tiring.

But I want to focus on some positive stuff right now.

Really postive.

Because I've lost two stone now, more in fact, 30.5 pounds.

And thats amazing, thats really good and I need to give myself a massive pat on the back because it hasn't been easy. It hasn't been a journey of two pounds a week, its been blood, sweat and tears.... LOTS of tears. But its also been a journey of growth.

Reasons why losing 30 pounds is a REALLY REALLY good thing

1. I'm 30lbs further away from having a heart attack/cancer/diabetes.
2. My clothes are beginning to shrink...
3.... and although i can't fit into the next size down, i'm getting there, things are getting baggy.
4. My face is getting thinner, there's not so much of the fatfatfat.
5. Some bits are looking more solid - like my hips, my upper thighs, its not just fat anymore.
6. I'm beginning to recognise i have a skeleton underneath it all. I'm not just a big blob of gelatinous blobbiness.
7. I like being able to see muscle defintion - on my upper arms (the top half, most certainly not the bingo-wingy bottom half), the top of my thighs.
8. The muffin top is slowly disappearing - thank the lord! Its the part i hate the most so i am so relieved and so glad that its steadily going
9. I'm paving the way for my future - my new habits, my new abilities to be able to handle foods i used to devour in one go.
10. Its not just the physical changes this is an intrinsically emotional journey as well, every pound is helping progress towards self love, self belief and self confidence and that means more to me than 100 pounds lost.

So, the next 30 pounds, that would take me to 18 stone 3 pounds.
I haven't been there for six years, thats scary, really scary.
Six years being like this? Why have i not made this choice before?

During the next 30 pounds i want to start being able to make the choice not to eat things, to not feel that i have to finish my plate, to not feel i have to eat every thing, every calorie laden thing, to be able to have a packet of biscuits in the house and not feel compelled to eat them all.

Its great that i can acknowledge where i'm going wrong post-scoffing, but i need to develop my strength of my mind to be able to say no when i want to and not feel compelled to carry on and eat that entire packet.

Weigh-in

2010-07-20T16:54:00.005+01:00

A pound - yay!

After the week I've had (more on that later) one pound is great, can't say i'm not gutted i didn't get that extra half pound though, i would have made my first stone loss since going starting back at ww meetings. But hey, a loss is still a loss and I'm not turning my nose up at it.

At my meeting last week, alot of things were on offer so instead of buying my usual boxes of bars i bought a new fandangled pedometer!

I thank thee loving pedometer.

Without you i wouldn't have been motivated to go and earn some activity points this weekend and get that one pound loss!

Weigh-in

2010-07-12T23:32:00.001+01:00

What?!

Really, Four pounds?!

How the heck did that happen??

I've lost two stone. Two whole stone.

Gosh.

Mid-week Meltdown

2010-07-12T16:30:00.003+01:00

Okay so my title might be a bit dramatic, but I'll be off to get weighed in a few hours and I'm sat contemplating the last week.

It started off with me not being well and resorting to eating, well, largely just toast and then toast and tuna. Go figure. Its been a week of little fruit and veg apart from the last few days, so whilst I'd like to lose two, or even one, quite frankly I'm not going to knock a STS.

Then just as we start to pass from mid-week to the end of the week, i wasn't doing so well, two days i went over - one by a considerable amount. Don't get me wrong, its all been scraped back either through point watching or exercise (looooooooong walks in the baking midday sun) but I want to look at why i had that blip on Thursday.

So on Thursday instead of my allotted 29 points, i consumed approx 42 points.
Instead of my usual cereal, fruit and yogurt, I started the day with two pieces of break, some butter, some light peanut butter, some jam and an apple.
I mean really? that itself adds up to 6.5 points, i could've had a bacon sandwich for that.

Then i had a mid morning snack at work which is usually a ww bar and a innocent smoothie yogurt for 2 points, well I'd run out so instead of a reason snack, i had a 4.5 snack as i decided the (albeit low fat) mullerlight yogurt in the fridge was mine.

Then tea came and i just couldn't be bothered, so i waited and i waited and then i got hungry and then i wanted food NOW! So i ate four jaff cakes, a wedge of chocolate, dry fried potatoes and ketchup, a garlic and coriander naan and four slices of cheese.

This equalled 31 points.

Now I'm not going to lie, I'm sure if i do ST'S or even gain, I'll loathe myself for a little while, but before i get weighed, before i can even think those self-loathing thoughts i want to know why.

So, back to the binge-identifier....

The Hunger Binge
Yes, I felt hungry. I had waited and waited and waited till i got hungry, hungry, hungry and I wanted food immediately and i wanted all those foods that are so quick to get, to make, to eat, food that doesn't touch the sides on the way down.

The Deprivation Binge
I'm not sure, I don't actually feel like i have been depriving myself, I've made sure that i try to fit in 'treats.' Maybe i feel deprived from the actual process of binging itself? That would make sense. If i binge to eat my emotions, then surely if i stop binging, I'll experience negative emotions, so i might actually be missing the binge rather than the food hence the type of food i chose to eat.

The Stress Binge
As above, I'm not binging. Hello, my name is soggywetlettuceleaf and i haven't binged for two weeks. And so when i experience stress, i don't have my usual coping mechanisms, which makes me more stressed.

The Opportunity Binge
The food was there, i was hungry. I'm sure if the food wasn't there, i would have just got on and made something else. Note to self, don't keep full fat cheese around.

The Vengeful Binge
I can't think of where this would come in.

The Pleasure Binge
For a moment, yes it was nice to eat what i wanted. But not nice as in, it wasn't a pint of ice-cream, it wasn't a big bar of chocolate or family sized packet of crisps.

The Habit Binge
Again, as above, when i experience negative emotions i don't really know what to do with them, so in the past I've resorted to eating. Its one of my habits, one of my ways of coping.

Hmm....

This tells me alot really.
Its so so so good that i am willing to acknowledge this, to accept it as this was how i used to cope and how i will still cope from time to time as this is a journey and i am not perfect.

What I do need to do is learn how to deal with emotions more, how to learn new healthier coping mechanisms so i don't resort to these old ways.... I'm hoping that's going to come with time.

Halfway through 2010

2010-07-07T14:17:00.004+01:00

I read on another blog that we are half-way through the year.

Jeez - really? Six months have gone by? Just like that? Where did they go? And more importantly, what the heck was i doing when they disappeared?!

So in six months I've lost 25.5lbs (although that 38lbs if we included the stone i put back on again and then took two months to lose! buuuuut we won't go there!)

I'm not gonna lie there is part of me that's disappointed: six months is 26 weeks, i should have easily lost 52lbs by now, look at everyone, if I'd have tried properly i could have lost so much more!

But I'm also not going to give myself too much of a hard time.
Its 0.5lb away from being a pound a week, it's longer than ever I've done before and as much as I'd love to wake up ten stone lighter and with a models cheekbones tomorrow, I think i need to lean the lessons this weight loss journey is going to give me.

I need to learn to love my body and treat it with respect and that's why I'm going to take my time.

Losing weight isn't easy, but being overweight? hating yourself because of it? that's harder than this journey will ever be.

Weigh-in and where one Soggy lettuce achieved a Goal

2010-07-05T21:11:00.006+01:00

After my teeny binge (read 15 points worth of alcohol and 14 points of chips and chicken sandwiches!) on saturday i wasn't sure how this weigh-in would go.

I really wanted to eat minimal points yesterday to make up for it - see if i could get away with eating half my alotted points - you know what i mean, we've all thought it at one time or another, even if we haven't actually done it. But I decided against it.

I did a lot of walking today, had a small lunch and breakfast, walked to my local weight watchers, held my breathe for about fifteen minutes whilst i queued and then...

Two pounds down!

Hurrah!!

That also means I've reached a personal goal where I've lost 25 pounds.

In terms of weight watchers, i've also achieved something else....

Woop Woop!

Here's to next week - my goal is to lose 2lbs next monday.
Fingers crossed.

Points Diary in which i rediscover Alcohol points

2010-07-04T21:35:00.006+01:00

Thursday 1st July
24 points consumed
5 veg/fruit consumed
2.5 points gained through exercise

Friday 2nd July
37 points consumed
1 veg/fruit consumed
15 points on alcohol
3 points gained through exercise

Okay, so I had breakfast and a snack then.... well, bars happened.

I had two ciders and realised that the points were disappearing very quickly so then i changed to vodka and diet coke.

I tried a raspberry sambuka and diet tonic (they didn't have diet lemonade) and well... it was blumming strong so I probably won't be going back to that drink again!

Also, a bit of a NSV, I actually pointed my alcohol - normally, I'll kid myself and say i'm not at that stage yet where alcohol impacts on my weight-loss and then drink as much as i can and then, on the next day, pretend it hasn't happened.
Well, not this time!

When it was time to go home, although i'm giving myself kudos for not stopping at any burger joints, kebab shops, pizza places - i don't for going home and making myself chips and a chargrilled chicken sandwich for 14 points.
As I have to walk past a Subway on the way to the bus stop - i need to remind myself to stop there - even if i succumb and have a footlong its less point and less saturated fat than that!

Saturday 3rd July
29 points consumed
3 veg/fruit consumed
14 points gained through exercise

Sunday 4th July
29 points consumed
5 veg/fruit consumed
2.5 points gained through exercise

Another new recipe from the Quick and Easy Recipe Book from Weight watchers - this time its the Quick and Easy fish pie (with extra no points veg)

The recipe calls for the topping to be shortcrust pastry grated on top of the pie. But the recipe doesn't say that although it states 'chilled' shortcrust pastry what it doesn't mention is but the 'bloody stuff in the freezer for an hour.' Ah well you live and learn.

It tasted really nice though and i even managed to save some pennies by buying a cheaper fish pie kit than buying it all separately.

Instead of splitting it into four portions, i split it into two halves as I've been struggling during the week with using all of my points (although i may regret it tomorrow when i weigh-in!) this meant that it was 13 points, but it was definately worth it.

I'll definately be making it again!

The fish pie was followed by...

Vanillaberry - blueberries, reduced fat chocolate digestives and a mix of low fat cream cheese and low fat vanilla yoghurt. Again it was meant for four, but divided into two portions equalling seven points each.

Nice for a change and easy and quick to do, without costing too much.

As I generally save the vast majority of my points till after the meeting on weigh-in day, the two meals above divided into two mean an automatic meal tomorrow after my walk home! Hurrah!

Yummy Snacks!

2010-07-04T16:20:00.006+01:00

Over the weekend I've found some new goodies!

Randomly I've noticed they're also featuring these in the latest weight watchers magazine, so i feel like I'm doing my weight-watcherly duty!

I tried these for breakfast on Wednesday...

They are Bear Baked Granola Nibbles in cherry pie flavour - were 1.5 points and I had them with some low fat yogurt and strawberries. They were utterly delicious - i love the little chocolately bits in them, it feels a bit naughty, like you're not actually having breakfast and the granola pieces are the perfect crunchy texture.

I had the Apple Crumble Bear Granola for a snack with some smoothied bananas.

I like these alot, and the yummy apple pieces are great - but i felt the flavour was lost with the bananas. If i get them again, I might just try them plain with milk or with some grated apple... or just as a snack.

Then I've got some Bear Baked Fruit Nibbles in Cherry Berry flavour for Monday...

These are only one point for the bag so great for a snack on weigh-in day (fingers crossed!)

I really like these snacks, i think they're fun and friendly, low in weight watcher points and they're easy to transport - they'll survive in those handbags (which is always a bonus!)

The only complaint I have is that i need a closer stockist!!

You can join the Bear family here.

BUT lastly and by no means least...

I've always loved Nakd Bars.
Always.
They're really difficult to find round here so when i find them i generally end up buying ridiculous amounts and then get rather bizarre looks at the check-outs.
The smaller bars are great as a snack and they count as one of your five-a-day!

I've always liked the the Apple pie flavour and then I found this beautiful specimen in my local Morrisons supermarket: Nakd Cocoa Orange. You wouldn't think that you're eating fruit, it tastes of orangey chocolate goodness and has a nice chewy texture.
They only had two bars when I went on Saturday evening, but I'll be back next weekend and they better have some more!!

Points Diary

2010-06-30T21:42:00.008+01:00

Friday 25th June
30.5 points consumed
3 veg/fruit consumed
6 points gained through exercise

Saturday 26th June
30 points consumed
8 veg/fruit consumed
2.5 points gained through exercise

I had a different breakfast

40g cereal, 100 low fat yoghurt, a grated apple and cinnamon all for 3.5 points.

I then walked to the beach and spent the day there.

I had my picnic for 4.5 points

It was beautiful beautiful weather, but i did end the day being lobster red!

Sunday 27th June
30 points consumed
4 veg/fruit consumed
8 points gained through exercise

I started the day with a new recipe - courgette, chicken and salami patties.

I then spent the day walking although i did regret when it reached a high of 30 degrees - i must have sweated 3lbs!

Monday 28th June
25 points consumed
2 veg/fruit consumed
4 points gained through exercise

Tuesday 29th June
28.5 points consumed
3 veg/fruit consumed
0 points gained through exercise

Wednesday 30th June
30.5 points consumed
3 veg/fruit consumed
3 points gained through exercise

Another new recipe, somewhat adapted from the recipe - Butternut squash risotto soup - it was so filling and so yummy!

Weigh-in

2010-06-29T20:59:00.005+01:00

I got up on those scales, took off my shoes, my clunky jewellery and as much clothing as possible without being indecent, held my breathe for a moment and then really paniced when I saw a .12 - for a second I was convinced I'd put on over half a stone in a week.

But then relief...

... its a loss of 6.5lb loss!

WOOOOOOOOO!

I am really really really chuffed, over the moon in fact.
And I need to make sure that I don't get a bit cocky and put weight on next week.
Stick to my points, get some exercise in and eat my fruit and veg.

I'm going to aim for one pound next week, after this loss - anything more a bonus!

Points Diary

2010-06-24T21:05:00.010+01:00

Tuesday 22nd June
21.5 points consumed
2 veg/fruit consumed
0.5 points gained through exercise

I know its under, but i just wasn't hungry in the slightest.

Wednesday 23rd June
29 points consumed
7 veg/fruit consumed
8 points gained through exercise (walk)

This included a new weight watchers recipe from the Weight Watchers Quick and Easy recipe book that was Salmon and Leek bake. I changed it slightly and put a chopped cabbage and leek mixture from Asda that needed to be used and left out the garlic just to be nice for guests :) It was 5.5 points for the serving shown, but boy it was delicious, the best food that i've had for ages!

I also bought some of these:

Mixed up some spinach, onion, chopped tomatoes, basil and 2 points worth of low fat cheese, added half of the gnocchi and made this for 6.5 points:

Thursday 24th June
28 points consumed
6 veg/fruit consumed
0 points gained through exercise

I made some Cook Your Self Thin Coronation Chicken, which was 7 points for two and had 2 of my 5 fruit/veg a day.

This was more spicy and tomatoey than the coronation chicken I'm used to but then i wouldn't have had this amount of that stuff for this amount of points.

I also had alot of points left to use up, but needed some fruit and needed some dairy, so for 7.5 points i made this:

I love that mug, its huuuuuuge (and my sisters, but don't tell her - shhh!), for a closer peek...

I know its a lot of points, but it was yummy, some low fat yoghurt, four mini meringues, 150g of cherries, some low fat soft cheese and some icing sugar - mmmmm!

Buh-Bye Fat Suit!

2010-06-24T16:39:00.012+01:00

Apparently I have something wrong with my brain.

Apparently, the moment I slam the door when I leave the house for a week, a switch flips in my brain.

And this little voice comes on and it goes 'eeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaattttttt.'

And that is exactly what happened, I pretty much ate and drank whatever I wanted. Made some amazing meals (rhubarb tiramisu, full fat everything lasagna with side helpings of garlic bread, Indian takeaway with side helpings of pretty much anything going, battered fish and chips with side helping of white bread and more white bread and red meat by the cow-load) that I'd never been able to eat whilst sticking to points (unless i ate all my points for one day on just dessert... hmmm...) and to add to that its BBQ weather - why is the vast majority of BBQ food not weight loss friendly, why????

During the week, I felt myself getting more and more lethargic, walking felt like a chore, and, i know this sounds bizarre, but feeling like i had a fat suit on. Does anyone else get that? I get it when I'm sat down amongst a group of thinner friends, when I'm aware of all of my rolls of fat, i just feel too big to be real, so it feels like a suit of fat, those fat flabby rolls smothering me, weighing me down.

I got to the point on Sunday i couldn't even bring myself to finish a meal (which is very unlike me, i like my food, i want to lick the plate clean!) and that's when i realised my body was sending me a message; it didn't like what i was doing. It preferred lots of veg and exercise and fruit and anything fresh, not meat and dairy and FAT and laziness. It was telling me I really didn't need to eat anymore. It's okay in moderation just no every meal of every day.

And then I came home on Monday.
Ate some chocolate.....
Had a bacon sandwich.....
Drank some diet coke......
And then went and got weighed at my first ww meeting in about two years (edit: i just checked, last time i went was about august/september 2008. scary.)

And as you can see I put on 4.5 lbs, which means I'm still under 300lbs (just) but I'm further away from those goals I've set for myself.

Except for one.

As you can see the blog has undergone a bit of a change, not sure if it'll stay but i like it for the moment, and on the right I've split my goals into physical and emotional because I'm beginning to realise somethings about myself. I have a physical fat suit (just shy of 300lbs) but I also have a mental fatsuit which means i give myself a hard time, i don't appreciate the changes I've already made, i don't want to acknowledge I'm continuing to change.

So going back to that goal... If a weight increase occurs be able to deal with it healthily:

I chose to eat that food knowing the consequences.
My justifications were, it was a holiday, the last time for a month that i can 'go off-plan', diet starts Monday (such a cliche!) and I want to eat what i want without having to worry about where to eat, will they have low cal food, can i cook low cal food on a bbq/camping stove and i don't want to look like one of those bigger women who just eat lettuce, i do have an appetite and I'm not ashamed. I will give myself a buffer of five pounds.

Looking back at this post, I'm now able to identify that last week:

The Deprivation Binge – in a way, this was there a bit

The Opportunity Binge – i could get away with eating this sort of food so I did.

The Pleasure Binge – I enjoyed eating alot of that food (until i started feeling rubbish)it tasted good, it tasted nice, it made me (briefly) feel good to eat that food.

The Habit Binge – Again, the food was there, and it was put into my mouth. I think there was also a bit of a holiday habit (as in the brain switch mentioned above) and also a bit of a I'm re-joining weight watchers must eat what I can marathon prior to the initial weigh-in.

So, I'm dealing with this gain healthily, it was a great week but I know that my lifestyle is not going to follow that on a regular occasion, so I'm giving myself a break, but also a reminder of the fat-suit.

I want to be able to say buh-bye to both of my fat-suits and the only way I'm going to do that is to stick to the plan and exercise.

Normal services will resume....

2010-06-11T09:19:00.001+01:00

Away till next wednesday, hurrah for relaxation but fingers crossed I can manage the points and sneak in some exercise!

Hope you all have lovely weekends wherever you are!

Perseverance, Progression and Points

2010-06-09T19:17:00.005+01:00

You know, today has been a really sh1tty day.
Completely p00h if I'm honest.
And its going to continue through for tomorrow and next week.

Having said that, whilst i ditch the snotty tissues, I also have to give myself a pat on the back because i really wanted to eat alot of pretty much everything in the house. I mean I REALLY wanted it. I was having visions of fish finger sandwiches, microwave chips smothered in full fat mayo (not extra light!) and ice-cream, ben and jerrys, hagen daaz, possibly sprinkled with marshmallows!!

But instead i sucked it up, gave myself a mental slap about and went and created this:

The frozen banana swirly thing which tastes better than ice-cream and filled an emotional spot. Looks good don't it?!

I had two bowlfuls and whilst the two bowls came to 8.5 points and were four of my five a day - I guess I'm still emotional eating. I mean I made better choices than i would have done before, but I still felt upset and I still ate to excess.

It worries me that I'll be emotionally eating until I'm retired.

But for now, I stuck to my points and did good in a situation that would have reduced me to bathing in ben and jerrys a couple of months ago.

Points - Wednesday 9th June
29 points consumed
5 veg/fruit consumed
0 points gained through exercise

Points Diary

2010-06-09T00:19:00.002+01:00

Tuesday 9th June
28 points consumed (but two portions of soda bread which isn't good)
7 veg/fruit consumed
0 points gained through exercise

Argh - this afternoon ran away from me and then suddenly its twenty past twelve in the morning - oh well must try better on the exercise tomorrow!

I have the afternoon free so there are no excuses!

Procrastination

2010-06-08T13:36:00.003+01:00

Out of interest, and mostly because I love Wikipedia, I looked up procrastination on Wikipedia.

And this is what it says:

"Procrastination refers to the counterproductive deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite such behavior as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision. Schraw, Wadkins, and Olafson have proposed three criteria for a behavior to be classified as procrastination: it must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying.

Procrastination may result in stress, a sense of guilt and crisis, severe loss of personal productivity, as well as social disapproval for not meeting responsibilities or commitments. These feelings combined may promote further procrastination. While it is regarded as normal for people to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning."

This is me all over. I've never made the link between my procrastination (and this can be anything, academic studies, work, weight watchers, cleaning, emailing, returning contact with friends) and my anxiety (about what others think because I've procratinated and haven't completed what i was supposed to but also showing myself as less than perfect.) Never even thought about the link between the two.

Causes of procrastination: Psychological
The psychological causes of procrastination vary greatly, but generally surround issues of anxiety, low sense of self-worth, and a self-defeating mentality.[4] Procrastinators are also thought to have a lower-than-normal level of conscientiousness, more based on the "dreams and wishes" of perfection or achievement in contrast to a realistic appreciation of their obligations and potential.

Procrastination and mental health
For some people, procrastination can be persistent and tremendously disruptive to everyday life. For these individuals, procrastination may be symptomatic of a psychological disorder such as depression or ADHD. Therefore, it is important for people whose procrastination has become chronic and is perceived to be debilitating, to seek out a trained therapist or psychiatrist to see if an underlying mental health issue may be present.

Perfectionism
Traditionally, procrastination has been associated with perfectionism, a tendency to negatively evaluate outcomes and one's own performance, intense fear and avoidance of evaluation of one's abilities by others, heightened social self-consciousness and anxiety, recurrent low mood, and "workaholism". According to Robert B. Slaney adaptive perfectionists (when perfectionism is egosyntonic) were less likely to procrastinate than non-perfectionists, while maladaptive perfectionists (people who saw their perfectionism as a problem; i.e., when perfectionism is egodystonic) had high levels of procrastination (and also of anxiety).

And the last paragraph reflects what I've said above.
It's me in a nut shell, its me at my worst.

The tense-afraid type
The tense-afraid type of procrastinators usually feel overwhelmed with pressure, unrealistic about time, uncertain about goals, and many other negative feelings. They may feel a sense of malaise. Feeling that they lack the ability or focus to successfully complete their work, they tell themselves that they need to unwind and relax, that it's better to take it easy for the afternoon, for example, and start afresh in the morning. They usually have grandiose plans that aren't realistic. Their 'relaxing' is often temporary and ineffective, and leads to even more stress as time runs out, deadlines approach and the person feels increasingly guilty and apprehensive. This behavior becomes a cycle of failure and delay, as plans and goals are put off, pencilled into the following day or week in the diary again and again. It can also have a debilitating effect on their personal lives and relationships. Since they are uncertain about their goals, they often feel awkward with people who appear confident and goal-oriented, which can lead to depression. Tense-afraid procrastinators often withdraw from social life, avoiding contact even with close friends.

Stigma and misunderstanding
Procrastinators often have great difficulty in seeking help, or finding an understanding source of support, due to the stigma and profound misunderstanding surrounding extreme forms of procrastination. One of the symptoms, known to psychologists as task-aversion, is often mischaracterised as laziness, a lack of willpower or loss of ambition.

I need to think about this.
I've never made these links before. I have a severe dislike of asking for help, it shows weakness. I don't like it, i don't want to do it.
And then generally, it eventually leads to all of the above.

I think i need to look into why i procrastinate, it could be the key to alot of things for me.

Points Diary

2010-06-08T12:48:00.005+01:00

Monday 7th June
30.5 points consumed
7 veg/fruit consumed
0 points gained through exercise

I finished the day with 26.5 points and was craving something sweet, something chocolately, something sugary and the only thing I could find (read: steal from the fridge when no one was looking) was this:

A vanilla custard muller rice, now whilst they're not the healthiest thing in the world, it was late and i could not be bothered to whip up a frozen banana smoothie or any other concoction, so i thought i'd hedge my bets.
Half way through, the invisible ww fairy that lives on my right shoulder started to thwack me on the head with her ww points directory, so i had another couple of mouthfuls then looked up the points and well, my bets were off.

It was four points, which meant that my point total went up to 30.5 - argh.
Whilst I can use the two points up from yesterday, I was rather annoyed with myself.

So what have I learnt?
Check first, eat later.

Pure and Simple.

Tuesday 8th June
I wasn't sure what to have, so i opted for brunch with both sweet (home-made soda bread, strawberry jam and fresh strawberries) and savoury (breakfast tortilla with extra ham to use it up) with a pint of water.

It was 11 points, but ever so yummy!
(and I had two of my fruit/veg portions - double wammy!)

Laziness; a lack of desire to expend effort

2010-06-08T12:22:00.002+01:00

Last night I fell asleep at 0130.

This morning I awoke to my alarm at 0900.

But I didn't leave my blasted bed until 1130!

I mean, really?! What is up with that?!?! All i did was read my book, read some blogs, think of things i should be doing but procrastinate like crazy.

So it appears all my efforts in the last fortnight have been chucked out of the window whilst the remains of me rots in bed.

Agh.

So, to avoid having my photo entered in the English Dictionary next to 'Lazy', I got up made some brunch and I have put 'New Moon' on (any other Twihards out there?) in the background whilst I plan meals for the next few days and write a 'to do' list for this week.

I love lists :)

And also thanks to the lovely individuals who posted suggestions about my war wound :) I've started bathing it in salt water twice a day and putting antibiotic cream on it, its still sore but I'm not walking around like I've lost a limb anymore! Having said that, its not ready for an hours worth of cardio yet so I am going to make sure that I complete the arms and abs sections of the Davina exercise DVD's without the cardio intervals. I've got to do something!

To Do....
- plan meals for next four days
- plan meals for camping weekend
- wash clothes ready for next week
- find a healthy cheese and broccoli soup recipe dammit! (any suggestions greatfully received!)
- pay bills
- organise paperwork
- sort room out!
- wash hair with leave-in conditioner
- wrap presents and write card
- look up birthdays for the next month
- look up new ww pedometer - prices, whats the difference etc
- ebay!
- find my mojo for this week!

An Exercise Catastrophe

2010-06-07T12:45:00.006+01:00

The last two weeks I have been on a bit of a 'let's-reintroduce-exercise-to-SWLL's-lifestyle' crusade.

And I've really been enjoying it.

I've got my hefty straightjacket for boobs, otherwise known as the Enell sports bra which is now my most favourite and recommended sports bra in the whole world ever and means that i am kept snug even during the most intense of workouts!

I've got my itty bitty weights:

And I've got a large selection of Exercise DVD's!

And I've been doing well, muscle has been developed, inches are disappearing, i'm feeling stronger and not as breathless. I feel healthier and happier and I'm sleeping better than I have in ages.

And then i made a major mistake.

I went for a long lovely walk with my fabulous jewelled sandals which I and my foot now realise are entirely inappropriate for walking long distances in. I now have a massive blister along the sole of my foot which is extremely painful and also means no exercise.

And to be honest, I am completely gutted about it. It really is a catastrophe.

So, I'm asking if anyone has any suggestions - what exercises can I do that isn't going to torture my war wound until its heals?

Points Diary

2010-06-07T12:30:00.001+01:00

Sunday 6th June
27 points consumed
3 veg/fruit consumed
0 points gained through exercise

Monday 7th June

Whilst I'm sat here with a very grey sky up above, someone drilling next door and 'The Holiday' on DVD (I felt in the mood for some self-indulgent sappy soppy love films), I am also in awe of my breakfast.

Look at it!

8.5 points in total, which is a lot, but there is five portions of fruit in there!
The smoothie is half a galia melon, a cup of cherries, a cup of spinach and a half cup of mixed berries which is 3.5 points. And then there is my phenomenal soda bread (which is actually a weight watchers recipe!) with a tbsp of reduced fat strawberry jam and some strawberries on top.

Not sure what I've got planned for the rest of the day, but I've got the new weight watchers magazine to flick through for recipe ideas!

Bi-Annual Measurement update!

2010-06-06T17:43:00.003+01:00

That sounds awfully formal doesn't it!

It struck me that I haven't taken any measurements for a while so after rummaging around five different drawers and one wardrobe i found my tape measure, threw my jeans to the floor and got busy!

These are the results today, the 6th June 2010

1. BUST: 51.5"
2. CHEST: 45"
3. WAIST: 47"
4. HIPS: 54"
5. MIDWAY: 53"
6. LEFT THIGH: 32"
7. LEFT KNEE: 19"
8. LEFT CALF: 19"
9. LEFT UPPER ARM: 17.5"
10. LEFT FOREARM: 12.5"

These are the results on the 5th January 2010.

So over the last six months, I have lost:

Pounds: 21
Body Fat Mass: 13.2lbs (!!!!!)
BMI points: 42.8 to 40.4
Inches: 19.5

I've been frustrated with my slow but steady weightloss (i think i have The Biggest Loser to thank for that! I want to lose 5-15lbs every week too!) but this is good.
And when I take into account that during this time I put on a 13lbs and lost it as well, its really good. I'm averaging a pound a week or so and an inch from all my body parts!

Thats a healthy weight loss and if this is how its going to go, so be it, at least its coming off in a healthy way.

Weigh-in

2010-06-06T16:42:00.002+01:00

Sorry for the horrendously dodgy photo! My beloved camera-phone has been sent off to get fixed which has left me with a seriously old-school phone with a seriously naff camera - boooo!

Anyway, for those that can't read it, the stats are:

Weight: 21st 0lb (133.7 kg)
Height: 5'11" (1.82m)

BMI: 40.4

Body fat: 43.9%
Body fat Mass: 58.6 kg

At least the weight is going in the right direction even if it at snail's speed!

Points Diary

2010-06-03T17:36:00.002+01:00

Just a quick update as I am not near a computer unitl sunday!

Sunday
29 points consumed
7 veg/fruit consumed
10 points gained through exercise

Monday
34 points consumed
3 veg/fruit consumed
12 points gained through exercise

Tuesday
28 points consumed
6 veg/fruit consumed
Nil point gained through exercise

Wednesday
34.5 points consumed
6 veg/fruit consumed
11 points gained through exercise

Thursday (so far)
20 points consumed
4 veg/fruit consumed
13 points gained through exercise

and then I'm hoping to use the rest of the nine points with wine! :)

I've gone over my points allowance on two days but they have been on days when I am gaining quite a lot of exercise points - where do people stand on this?
Should it be done? Should I not? Is there a maximum amount i should use if i do do this?

Argh!

I have so much to blog about so can't wait for a little bit of rainy weather where i can sit down in front of my laptop (only a little bit though, am absolutely loving the sun!)

a weigh-in with some good news! Woop!

2010-05-29T15:42:00.001+01:00

finally i lost a pound! Hurrah! :-)

Points Diary

2010-05-26T20:50:00.007+01:00

Day Two in the 29-point house

Breakfast:
Smoothie - 3.5

Lunch:
Pasta - 5.5
Soup - 1
Potato Rosti - 2.5

Tea:
Gnocchi with courgette, pepper, onion, tomatoes, carrot, celery, 1 drained can tuna, 50g red pesto and then topped off tomatoes and 100g reduced fat cheese

These photos do not reflect how big this mother of a dish really is - it totals 24 points, I'd planned for 12 points worth not quite realising how big it actually was.
In the end I ate 8 points worth.
Phew.
After a break when my tummy settled down, I followed it with two meringue nests, a cherry ww yog and 50g worth of cherries - 2.5 points
(seriously *loving* cherries at the moment!)

So far today that's 23 points - argh.
So I'm going to have two fish fingers (3), slice of bread (1) and marg and ketchup (1) for 5 points and carry the one over :)

Total: 28 points
Exercise points gained: 6

Points Diary

2010-05-25T21:25:00.006+01:00

Monday 24th May; 30 points, no exercise points

Tuesday 25th May:
Breakfast:
smoothie - 3.5
New Muller "greek yogurt" split-pot yogurt - 3

Sorry about the glare, mobile phones don't make the best photos! I really wanted this to be the yummiest yogurt ever, especially for 3 points, but it was just average, there's others that are better or I'd just get another yogurt and have lots of fruit on top - having said that they're ideal for the working lunch.

I spent the morning doing some exercise video's and i forgot how much i love doing boxercise type exercises! Bring on the upper-hook!

Lunch:
Ham and Pesto Pasta Salad - 6

Yummy! Especially considering I'm not the biggest fan of pasta ever, but i do love all the mini-pasta shapes you can get (yes they are from the children's range... but they're wholewheat - they're healthier!)

Tea:
I had originally planned fish pie but it was too hot to eat fish pie so i decided on a tuna wrap (with mayo) with a ham and cheese salad: 6.5
You know when you have those meals and they're just a bit meh, i was hungry and wanted something filling but i wish I'd waited around to have a jacket potato.
Then had a peach smoothie with it (peaches, peach w/w yogurt, banana, mixed berries)
all for 4.5 points - mostly to make sure I'm hitting those five a day.

It nearly filled my pint-glass!

Later on I had a breakfast tortilla: 5 points

Total: 29 points
Exercise gained: 8 points

STS

2010-05-25T15:17:00.006+01:00

It was weigh-in day on Saturday so i dutifully hopped on the scales in my local chemist and what would you know.... i stayed the same.

I was soooo frustrated and annoyed at this and i must admit on Saturday i did not point nor did i actively participate in any exercise.

Blah.

I was so sure of a good weight loss this time.

So, yesterday i went back to the drawing board and decided to Jillian Michael's my butt with some good old-fashioned objectivity...

Possible Reasons Why I did not Lose:

- instead of completing moderate level exercise i chose to do longer level of a lesser intensity, this also involved no weight training etc
- food was hit and miss, if I'm honest, whilst i did point, i went over on 3/10 days
- i had a mini-binge on the evening before weigh-in (yep, that seemed like a good idea!)
- damned hormones and water retention - back to feeling like bloaty the whale
- I've started eating bread again and putting non-yeast free breadcrumbs in recipes, which, realistically, I know isn't a good idea!

In order to shuffle my butt on from this situation i think i need to start doing this after every weigh-in. I need to look at what is successful and what isn't - for me.

Looking at the above its clear what isn't working for me. Whilst i can't do anything about the damned hormones I can do alot about the four points. I can also add some extra points to help me along the way.

Plan for week of 24th May

1. As I am 2lb's off of my weight watchers points being reduced to 29 per day, I'm going to go ahead and reduce them to 29. I know. I know, but the fact is I've been on 30 points for nearly two months now and i need to step up in order to succeed at the next weigh-in.
2. Plan my meals to include five a day veg and fruit.
3. Exercise! Med-high intensity - the low is fine and good and i encourage it but it clearly isn't kicking my butt!
So, Tues, wed, Fri, sat, sun will be Davina DVD and Thurs will be aqua aerobics.
4. I'm also going to revamp the fortnightly weigh-ins back to a weekly one on Saturdays.
5. Bread is bad for you, none this week and at the weekend buy some yeast free bread!

To summarise:
29 points, med-high intensity exercise, plan, fruit&veg, weigh-in weekly

I'm also seriously considering asking my doctor for a referral for the free slimming club vouchers - if I'm back to doing this once a week, i might as well do it properly. The 12 weeks free also takes me right up to the beautiful dress occasion as well, so it would be good timing all round. Of course that means my weigh-in day would change probably to a Monday evening which is a pain in the rear end... any thoughts?

How do people find the weight watchers groups?

I heart choc-cherry!

2010-05-19T23:57:00.007+01:00

Points for Tuesday 19th: 31 points, 4 points gained through exercise

For breakfast, I ate a yummy Breakfast Tortilla (one wrap, cherry tomatoes, 15g low fat cheese, 25g wafer-thin ham, salt and pepper) for 5 points (including a dollop of ketchup!)

For lunch i demolished more of my delicious tomato soup with an ickle sandwich on healthy weight watchers bread, for a total of five points:

I cannot believe how simple this soup is to make: one onion, two sticks of celery, once carrot, 700g vine ripened tomatoes (they taste better), one can of plum tomatoes, 1 litre of chicken stock: stir-fr, simmer, boil and blend and wallah, yummy one point soup!

Points for Wednesday 20th:
Started the day with hashbrowns, beans, round of bread and butter and an egg - yummers! (and a whopping 11.5 points - ouch!)

Then I moved onto exercise where i swam, swam, swam, choked on some water, swam then my bladder kicked in and had to run out of the pool! By the time i got home i had a hungry hungry tummy to which i provided it with the yummiest smoothie ever:

It had 100g of cherries, a handful of spinach, a banana, the juice and mush of an orange and a tbsp of cocoa powder - all for 3.5 points and ohmylord it is delish.
I was still hungry after that so i had a low fat croissant for three points - i love them as they still taste like they're choc full of the 30% fat they're supposed to be reduced by!

For a snack I had a Ryvita and a slice of wafer thin ham for one point.

Then for my evening meal, I had fish, jersey royal potatoes, dollop of ketchup and dashings of salad for nine points.

Then i had an evening snack of half defrosted strawberries with one of these:

It was tasty.
It was blumming tasty.
And only one point :)

Total points: 30, gained 4.5 exercise points

15 reasons why I'm happier when I'm Healthier

2010-05-18T15:43:00.002+01:00

1. My skin is better, it glows, it doesn't look greasy and nasty.
2. My hair is better; my hair is prone to fuzziness and looking either dry or greasy depending what my diet is inflicting on it. If I eat healthy, none of the above :)
3. I feel more prone to make healthy decisions, like getting off the bus a stop early or choosing a pot of fruit rather than a sandwich at the supermarket for lunch.
4. It enhances my cooking skills; i love cooking, i really thoroughly enjoy it and trying to find new and yummy recipes is fun.
5. I just feel happier in myself generally, it feels good to be making good decisions.
6. I don't want to cry when i catch myself unprepared/when i see photos of myself. Don't get me wrong, i'm not jumping for joy, but i get the feeling that i'm not really disgusted with myself any more.
7. I enjoy exercise - no really i do! Sometimes i need a bit of a kick to get me there and i may, sometimes, want to die whilst i'm doing the exercise but generally i enjoy it.
8. I like that i'm looking after myself. I'm reducing my risks for so many illnesses every choice i make and every pound i lose. I'm also creating a happier healthier me for when i'm older.
9. Everything tastes so good and i don't feel like i want to be sick afterwards.
10. I'm also saving money and that definately makes me happy :) I didn't really realise what £10 of fruit and veg looks like in comparison to £10 of sugar/fat laden goodies. With the first, you definately get more for your money.
11. I sleep better when i eat healthier and exercise and than makes me a million times happier. Me and sleep have a history and not always a pretty one, he often didn't like to come visit me, but now he seems more of a regular visitor which makes life a lot easier.
12. I have more energy, instead of being sloth-like slumped in front of the tv/computer wondering why life is passing me by, i'm getting out there a bit more, i even don't mind walking up the stairs when there's a fully functional escalator next to them!
13. I'm doing this for me, that makes me happy, i don't do many things for me, or when i have, i've set myself targets that are so high i've failed. This time i'm happy because i'm acheiveing something for me, whether that be one more pound loss or an extra five minutes of exercise. It's all for me.
14. I'm getting stronger, in mind, body and spirit. I can feel muscles where there was just flab before and I feel more confident knowing that i am using the power i have to change my life and my body. I'm also looking at this as a lifestyle MOT not just LOSEWEIGHTNOW! and that is a nice feeling - that i want, and am working towards, a holistic overhaul :)
15. What the future holds - hopefully i'm not going to die before i'm thirty because of a weight-induced illness, instead anything's possible.

Sugar, we're going down swinging

2010-05-18T15:04:00.005+01:00

I was thinking today that I've been fitting in exercise regularly for about a fortnight/three weeks now and I've also been attempting to eat as healthy as i can (colourful fruit and veg.)

Now three weeks isn't much, its roundabout 5% of the entire year, but when i think that earlier this year, one month of eating exactly what i wanted, when i wanted and not even thinking about exercise lead to a 13lb increase at the weigh-in - three weeks of healthy living is quite nifty if you ask me!

But here's where the thinking part comes in - is a calorie just a calorie?

I was reading this entry by Lynn over at Escape from Obesity and it struck me. I mean it may seem obvious if you eat 3.5 weight watchers points worth of fruit in comparison to 3.5 weight watchers points worth of microwaveable chips - one is going to be significantly more healthier than the other (clue: its not the chips!) But i'd never really thought of that before. Ever.

Last fortnight, i lost 3lbs, whilst this is a reasonable weight loss, if I'm honest i was expecting more. However, if i look at what i was eating, I'd have fish, salad with a (pointed) portion of chips; then the next day I'd have pork chops, salad and a (pointed) portion of chips. Whilst i don't fry them in oil and i know the points that are going into my body, it clearly impacted on my weight loss. So, i now know that if i have a week that is very limited on fruit and veg, I do not lose as much weight. It does have an impact on my weight loss.

Years ago I remember weight watchers being advertised around Easter and it was being sold as the diet which you can "eat your chocolate and lose weight too!" There was one lady who used to eat a Cadburys Creme Egg every single day (3.5 points) and she reached her target weight. Now, I'm not saying that i think that's wrong, I'm not, there's nothing wrong with that. If you're losing weight and still getting your chocolate fix - woo hoo!

What i am saying is that for me, and me only, it doesn't feel right: not in a 'I'm-on-a-diet-i-should-only-be-eating-things-from-God's-green-earth' kind of way, but more in a 'sugar-doesn't-make-me-feel-good' kind of way. For me, sugar begats sugar, fat begats fat. If i have sugary things i want more and that can often lead to me actually walking down the local shop to buy more and go over my points limit. At this stage in my weight loss journey i am learning there are other ways to get sugars and fats that don't induce me to pulling puss-in-boots style faces at the local sweet shop.

I like the taste of fruit, i like the textures and i like the colours.
I like the uniqueness of fresh fruit - i mean whats up with dragonfruit?!?

And it tastes fantastic.

And then i look at, for example, chocolate.
Just to clarify, Don't get me wrong, i love chocolate, i remember buying one of these once and eating the whole thing - yes! A 1kg bar of Cadburys Dairy Milk! And eating it

And not only that, extend this beyond the calorie/weight loss debate, sugar affects my moods - I'm like a hyperactive five year old.

I eat sugar, i run around like a maniac for about half an hour, then i have a sugar-crash where i stop, i get tantrum-y (seriously!) and feel low and just want more (sugar that is.)

I'd like to think that in the future i will be able to mix in chocolate bars if i choose to do so and these effects won't be as severe, but right now, for where i am now, I'm choosing fruit or homemade desserts.

I want to feel full, not sick.
I want the health benefits, not the weight gain.
I want to feel happy, not down or low or sad.

Points Diary

2010-05-17T23:34:00.006+01:00

To summarise my (away) weekend:

Thursday: 30 points dead on, no exercise points gained
Friday: 43 points, 8 exercise points gained - walking
Saturday: 41.5 points, 14(!!!) exercise points gained - walking
Sunday: ???? no idea, i imagine it was over and sadly no exercise points gained

Monday:
Breakfast:
Smoothie (consisting of 1/2 cup semi-skimmed milk, small banana, pineapple portion (80g), strawberries and spinach :4
Lunch:
Home-made soup: 1
Look at all the lovely veggies in my soup! :)

Portion of grapes: 1
Tea:
X2 porkchops, 400g potato (jacket'd), salad and apple/lemon/basil/chilli sauce: 13
Mouthful of freshly cooked turkey (stolen whilst cooking): 0.5
The plate did not look this full for long!

Total: 19.5, no exercise points gained

I know its under by quite a bit, but i do not feel hungry right now and i am not going to go and eat 10.5 points worth of food, i imagine this is my stomach settling after the weekend :)

Also, I'm a bit proud of myself for pointing for most of this weekend, if I'm away, i don't normally point, i ram everything i can find into my mouth with the 'I'll-start-again-on-monday' mentality which then throws my weigh-ins. Big-time.
So yes i went over, but it was worth it, it was good food, I'm not going to do it again and i did alot of exercise to make up for it as much as possible.

Well done me!

Points Diary

2010-05-13T00:20:00.004+01:00

Wednesday 13th May

Breakfast
Liquorice - 2
Smoothie from Banana, blueberries, strawberries, spinach and 100ml semi-skimmed milk - 3.5 pts

oops - one empty glass after this smoothie was slurped!

Lunch
Pasta - 9
(Gammon (100g extra thick) - 3.5
Pesto 1 tbsp - 1.5
100g spinach and ricotta filled pasta - 4
spinach - 0
Whole can chopped tomatoes - 0
Onion - 0)

It was soooooo good!

Tea
Microwave Chips - 3.5
Baked Beans 2xportions - 2
Ketchup - 0.5

Homemade chocolate brownie x2portion - 6
Homemade cherry sauce, 1/2 portion - 1.5
(1xcup of cherries (1), 1 tbsp sugar (1), 1 tbsp cornflour (1))

Total: 27.5
Exercise: Davina video one hour: 4

Oh Beautiful Serendipity!

2010-05-12T15:13:00.005+01:00

I've had a reasonably productive day so far (seeing as it is 15.15), i've exercised for an hour, cooked, looked at things for my blog, actively avoided do any cleaning/washing up/washing clothes but I will get on it as soon as i've finished writing this.

Then I had a phone call and it knocked me for a bit, knocked my confidence more than anything.
I started to get upset and felt lost.
I could feel tears welling.

Then, literally as I could start to feel those tears, this came onto the radio:

I *cannot* tell you how much i *LOVELOVELOVE* this song, any and all versions of it (particularly the Florence and the Machine version.)

And I sat there and listened to it for a bit and realised the song holds a message and maybe thats why i love it.

Yes, there are times when i feel like throwing my hands up in the air, when i feel like giving up, when i feel like its me versus the world, like good things never happen to me and that if a good thing does happen it disappears or gets obliterated pretty quickly.

And then there's the message, and for me personally, its not about religious love, its not about romantic love, or sibling love, or friendship love, its not even about the love for that puppy you had when you were little, its about love for yourself because you can get you through anything, if you try.

Nothing is chucked at us that we can't deal with.
There will always be time for us to cry and to shout and scream, but once thats done, its time to get up and realise that we can do it because we're worth it, as individuals.

And me? I'm now feeling motivated.
I'm listening to this song once more, switching the laptop off and off to do all those chores i've been avoiding.

So if you're having a bad day, for five minutes just shut the doors, switch off the phone and yank that volume control as loud as it will go and press play.

Go on, I dare you.

Points Diary

2010-05-12T10:42:00.003+01:00

Tuesday 11th May

Breakfast:
Banana - 1
Mixed Berries - .05
Spinach - 0
1/2 cup almond milk - 1

Lunch:
2 egg - 3
2x portions baked beans - 2
ketchuo - 0.5
Ham - 0.5
Asparagus - 0

Tea:
Onion ring - 0.5
Asda GFY Duck rolls x3 (no sauce) - 2
Sausage Risotto 0 11
(inc tomato, celery and onion)

Strawberry - 1.5
Rhubarb Mullerlight - 2
Trifle sponges x3 - 3
Spoonful angel delight - 1

Total points: 29.5
Exercise points: 50 min moderate exercise (Davine video): 4 pts

Feed my Soul

2010-05-10T16:33:00.003+01:00

I'm feeling at a loss lately.

Normally I have some sort of project to jump into, as of late all I have is family, friends, and weight loss including this blog. Whilst I really enjoy writing this, my temporary hiatus last month made me realise that i need other things to do, to get involved in.

I need a project, one that will feed my soul.

I looked about and couldn't find anything that really really interested me. You see i know what i'm like, i like to be able to see quick immediate gain, i'm all about the instant gratification (hence the weight battle, if no immediate weight loss, i sulk... and then eat some more.) I'm interested in learning new things, i love languages but i like the atmosphere of the classroom, the group of people all with the same interest and financially i can't afford an evening class right now.

After having a chat with the mum-lettuce, I've decided on knitting as i can do little sample swatches (not sure if thats how you spell it!) to build up to creating amazing knitted things. By winter i'd really love to be able to knit a snood and an ear warmer, something like this Red Crochet Flower Ear-warmer or this 24 hour Scarf Cowl.

I heart them.

Also, looking at a bit of a more long term project, i'd love to be able to create a quilt. I've loved quilts ever since i was little, i remember looking in this material shop with the mum-lettuce and looking at all the pre-cut quarters all ready for someone to make into a quilt. My little ten-year-old-self squeed.
Ultimately (sooooo... before i retire in forty-odd years then!), i'd like to be able to make some quilts on a scale of this Beach Batik Lap Throw or this divine Peaceful Waters Quilt. I've decided that I'm going to choose the colour green as its my favourite colour and i'm going to start collecting material from clothes from second-hand shops (which, by the way, are soooo much more expensive than when i was a little girl!) and cut-offs from material shops. But now i've got to figure out how to start it, no books or websites seem to be able to tell me, i mean what size quarters do i decide on? Any advice wonderful bloggers?

I'm liking being creative, i can't draw for pennies so being able to do something else is fun and interesting and i feel like i'm learning something new as well as being a part of something time honoured, such as taking knitting lessons from my mum-lettuce.

I'll post photos as I complete things but don't expect magic :), but in the mean time if someone has any tips or any blogs that are creative and involve knitting/crocheting/quilting - please forward on the info/links and help me nurture this soggy lettuce's soul!

Weigh-in

2010-05-10T13:36:00.004+01:00

So, i had to weigh-in a day early as i wouldn't be near any scales on weigh-in day, and the scales came out with a nice little number of three pounds.

As I'm having problems with my camera uploading to my laptop at the moment the stats are:

Weight: 21st 2lb
Height: 5'11.2"

BMI: 41.1

Body Fat: 45.2%
Body Fat Mass: 60.7 kg

Now, i'm not going to lie, i was expecting 5lbs, so when i looked down and it told me 3lbs i had to look again just to check. Now, three days later, i'm pleased with that amount, its a good number, its a healthy number and its a move in the right direction. During that fortnight whilst i was exercising, i did go over my points on more than four occasions so 14 days 5/6 of which weren't pointed - not bad to get a 3lb loss.

But, i still want to achieve my goal of a nine pound loss this month.

I also have a camping weekend this weekend.... does anyone have healthy recipes for camping? PUR-LEASE??????

So this week, i will exercise three times, camping (providing mother nature love me this weekend) will have lots of walks, then next week i shall exercise four times.
I'm still on 30 points, so i just need to adjust my menu's accordingly. I need to plan in advance then i need to stick to it!!

Tonight, i'm going to try a sausage risotto pre-camping, to see how it turns out, hopefully it will be a success. I've got another weekend away next month that will also be camping then it will be yeast-free goodies and recipes from then on, i want my tummy to be as flat as possible for the family occasion when i will be wearing a dress... and me and yeast (and many other things!) don't get on!! Which does mean no cider...

But for two months i think i can cope, i'm gonna be strong!

Speaking of being strong, i have got major munchies at the moment, i just want to eat. I've already had breakfast and not long eaten my lunch so I'm not sure why... I'm going to have some water and if that doesn't work, i think its going to be meringue time with some strawberries! yummers!

Goals for May 2010

2010-05-04T15:20:00.003+01:00

I have two weigh-in's in May:
8th May
22nd May

1. Over these two weigh-in's, I will be losing nine pounds.
That is 2lbs a week and then one itty bitty extra pound - this is more than achievable. This will get me below where i was before the month of munching occurred.

2. I will be drinking more water - back to 3x 750ml at least.

3. Exercise for 30 minutes four times a week that can include, Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred, any Davina McCall work out DVD's, Pilates Dvd's, walks IF they make me lose my breath, swimming - it does not include a stroll down to the local shop, whilst you can use these for activity points they are not too account for this.

4. Plan in advance - it makes sense to figure out those points before hand.

5. Be accountable - write all of those points down... even if it is a dab of peanutbutter, it still has points.

6. Two days of camping in this month: this will include lots of walking, yay! But may throw you for a loop pointswise, so start looking up camping food that is point-friendly.

My, aren't we feeling philosophical?

2010-05-04T14:49:00.006+01:00

Okay so I'm back, after one month of *munchmunchmunch* on pretty much anything i could get my hands on. I know i ate alot of ice-cream, crisps, chips, bacon sandwichs, maple syrup on most things, toast, lemon curd and on one occasion i decided to actually go to the trouble of slicing up bananas to eat something healthy then adding a heart-attack's worth of butter and brown sugar, for about six people, then feeling really really ill whilst eating it but i ate it.

I also went away for a long weekend with the man-lettuce and there were ciders (particularly Brothers Toffee Apple cider deserves a shout out, especially as i have discovered since that they are 3.5 points for the bottle - hurrah!), wines, fish and chips, the odd Burger King (ick!), pub breakfasts, pub burgers and the most beautiful cupcakes put on this green earth.

Then I ummm'd and ahhhh'd for about one week.
Then i jumped in and weighed myself.

If I'm honest i was expecting around about a ten pound weight gain if i took into account the eating, the drinking, the guzzling and the very little exercise.

So, I stood on the scales, the man-lettuce calmly holding all my bags etc, then the numbers flickered Biggest Loser style for what seemed like twenty minutes and that's when they told me that i had put on 13 pounds.

13 pounds in one month.

Ouch.

So i stood there for a moment waiting for the lovely machine to tell what percentage of me was fat and i was surprised as i didn't feel like i was going to cry, nor did i want to stamp my feet and then eat an ice-cream, instead i just felt okay.

It is common sense that if anyone eats everything that they want (and i mean everything) and does not exercise, weight will go up. So, it is even more common sense that if i want those numbers to go down I'm going to have to plan and watch what i eat and exercise.

So for two weeks i did just that, I planned, i largely stuck to my points, i exercised, i varied the exercise and i felt a little bit like life was back in my control again. There were tears because, man oh man, when your over 300 lbs, star jumps are not fun, but i re-discovered some muscles that i forgot i had and that felt good and the tears? Well, change is not always going to be easy is it?

So two weeks later, I stand again on those scales and this time they tell me that i have a weight loss of eight pounds which takes me back under the 300lb mark for which i am so blooming grateful, but ultimately it re-affirmed that its all down to me. If i have weight gain, its because i haven't stuck to my plan, if i lose weight its because I've stuck to it.

I still have this dress to fit into in the middle of summer and I'm now a month out of schedule due to this setback, but if i do it, if i work hard, if a plan, if a exercise just thirty measly minutes four times a week, if i make wise decisions then surely i can fit into that dress... and if i can't then its back to the Bridget Jone's pants :)

brief update

2010-04-25T11:27:00.003+01:00

just to say that i am still alive :-) weight gain occurred but thankfully weight loss followed thanks to davina mccall and jillian michaels dvds! There will be a proper update in may but until then if its glorious weather where you are get out and make the most of it.

Goaly Goaly Goaly Goaly Goaly Goaly

2010-03-31T16:58:00.004+01:00

Sooooo..... it should be word-free wednesday.... but i have alot on my mind.
and i need to share.... i need to write it all down because i don't want to lose this motivation that i've got.

I'm going to accept that until thursday next week i'm off the wagon, but i also need to accept that that does not mean that i need to sabotage the wagon before my return.
I am not going to pointing/exercising, but i'm not going to go out of my way to consume EVERYTHING that i put my hands on and if the opportunity comes to go for a walk well i'm going to take it rather than sit on my soggy-a$$.

You might be wondering why i'm posting then?

I've gone and created some goals.
Goals scare me, i rarely achieve them and then when i don't, i *surprise, surprise* resort to eating somemore, because i don't know how to deal with these emotions of resentment, guilt, regret, anger, frustration which are not healthy, and my subsequent behaviours (eating my weight in everything) are not healthy either. And i think there is a part of me that still thinks this journey is going to be quick and painless and easy. And making realistic goals don't relate to that idea.

So, goals then.

Missa over at Losing Ethel (hello!) posted on SMART goals a while ago, making the link that she uses them at work.

And i sat there and thought, i have to use that acronym at work as well and its taken me over a month to make the obvious link... why don't i use them at home as well? (give me a break, its been a long month, my brain is running on empty)

For those of you who aren't familiar, go over to Missa's post, but for a quick recap, SMART goals are:

Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Time-based
-
Evaluate
Re-evaluate

So, my goals are this:

Starting on the 8th April is my personal 16 week turn-around: its not a challenge, its a life change, a habit change, a change for the best, a thought-change, a brain-change, just change, and its change for the better.

By the end of the challenge, i want to have lost 25 lbs, this would take me to:

- 15% loss from my heaviest weight
- 19 stone 4 (268lbs total)
- It would mean a 3 stone, four lb loss
- I would be the lowest weight i have been in five years
- It would mean that i am three lbs away from being able to buy my wii!
- I would also be able to wear a beautiful dress to a function and feel less like bloaty the whale
- my BMI would have reduced to 37.8 which is better than the 45.0 I was in january 2010.

This are good reasons to have this goal, other reasons are:
- I would be taking less room up on a two-person seat on the bus/train/plane
- I would be more confident in wearing summer clothes
- I would have reduced my risk of heart attack/diabetes/cholesteral/blood pressure
- I would find exercising in public less embarressing
- I will start tackling my thought processes, i will use the Beck programme.

So a few questions then
Is it specific?
Yes, i want to lose 25 lbs.

Is it measurable?
Yes, i will lose the weight in pounds and also in inches, before and after.

Is it attainable?
25 lbs over 16 weeks, averages out at 1.5 lb loss a week, which is just less than the 2lbs that is recommended. It also allows room for less than/more than weeks.

Is it realistic?
Yes, I've lost 22 lbs over three months which is 12 weeks with no exercise, just following weight watchers points - 25 lbs over 16 weeks incorporating exercise as well as weight watchers point following is realistic and achievable if i put my mind to it and i stick to it.

Is it time-based?
8th April-24th July 2010, 16 weeks.

I think i can do this.

Emotional Eating continued....

2010-03-30T14:32:00.006+01:00

I'm going to be honest on this, as its the only place i feel i can be.

My binge continued, my line didn't help.

I need to look at why i keep doing this, so referring to an old post, I'm going to look at the reasons why:

The Hunger Binge
I don't feel hungry, in fact, i feel sickeningly full, but i keep on eating.
Hunger is not the issue here.

The Deprivation Binge
I can see why this might partially fit, it annoys me not being able to eat sugar/yeast/chocolate etc, i can do it for so long then i just start to get really really annoyed and i reach my breaking point. I know that my binging its like I'm 'treating' myself, so subconcsiously its like I'm not 'depriving' myself anymore. Realistically, i know that this 'deprivation' is for my own good, its so i feel better and so I'm not ill anymore - but clearly that's not how i see it at all.

The Stress Binge
This is massively me right now, i feel so stressed and anxious and yet empty all at the same time, and i don't know how to cope with it - so i eat in the hope this will fill a hole and as a learnt last week it doesn't, i just makes me more stressed as it doesn't work then the emotions return.
I don't know what to do to get better coping skills to help reduce my stress at the moment.

The Opportunity Binge
I'm by myself and I'm somewhat bored - so yes this falls into this category as well.

The Vengeful Binge
Again, this is ticking a big box, I'm not liking that I'm stressed, I'm angry with myself for being in this situation and I'm angry at the situation itself and that there is a bit of me that is hating everything right now. I feel like a small child throwing her dolly out of the pram - and eating is my way of sabotaging everything I've done, like telling myself that I'm not worth this, that these situations are going to happen time and time again and that i just need to accept this.

The Pleasure Binge
Not really my thing right now, the foods that I'm eating are just making me feel ill and hurting me emotionally.

The Habit Binge
A habit in the sense that this is what behaviours i usually resort tot when i don't know how to deal with my emotions.

I feel like I'm bottling alot up at the moment, so I'm going to take a moment to write everything down as i feel i need to vent soooo....
MY THOUGHTS NOW:
I am getting so annoyed with myself at the moment!
I drew a line! Why can't i just stick to it! I'm useless, every single time i get somewhere it goes to crap and its all down to me. I'm not going to meet goal for my birthday now! :( I am frustrated! And even more frustrated is that I'm away for part of next week on a break and that was supposed to be my time of when i can eat what i want. Whats the point? I can't do anything, whats the point in even trying to do this anymore?
I feel fat and disgusting. But for a brief moment it fills this hole that this anxiety and this stress is leaving, or maybe the hole was always there, there's so much that i don't deal with, i just chuck it down that hole and hope that it never appears. Its just that when I'm stressed or anxious the cover breaks and there it is - this gaping hole of nothingness and everything all mushed into one.
I watched an episode of The Biggest Loser Australia the other day and there was a girl on there punching the hell out of her trainer (the female one) who was saying things like 'PUNCH FOR EVERY TIME YOU'VE BEEN THE FAT GIRL, PUNCH FOR EVERY TIME YOU'VE BEEN LAUGHED AT' and then at the end of it the trainer asked the girl to say one good thing about herself and she couldn't... and it struck a cord as I'm the same way, i can't say anything good about myself, i can't think of anything good about myself. And, whats even worse, is that that feels horrible to say out loud.
Even the man-lettuce and the mum-lettuce are noticing that I'm eating loads and he's never really seen me like this before and doesn't really know what to do.
Why won't anyone help me, i feel like I'm crying out for help but nobody's listening.
But then, at the end of the day, its only me that can help myself, and I'm the one that's ignoring my body's cries.

Positive thoughts are minimal right now.

But i know that i can't keep thinking this right now!
I need to sort out these thoughts.
Otherwise i will end up putting all that weight back on and more besides.

Dream Meaning Number Two

2010-03-30T13:56:00.003+01:00

So, another dream and as i don't remember them very often, I looked up the meanings.

The dream starts that i've moved into a house/flat with a guy and a girl, they're not a couple, i don't really recognise them, but we're all friends - the guy is a bit down for reasons that i don't remember so i buy him a baby seal.... it lives in the bath tub unless its romping around in our back garden (which is actually my real life backgarden). One time when i come home i notice the seal has managed to get hold of my fake leather jacket and bits of it are everywhere, and the seal looks a bit poorly, so i go to pick it up and it turns into a chocolate labrador puppy and i'm holding it on its back and tickling its tummy and thats where it ends.

SEAL
To see a seal in your dream, indicates your playfulness and your ability to use and incorporate differing ideas and thoughts into a situation. Seals are a symbol of good luck, success, and spiritual understanding. It also signifies prosperity, faithful friends, and security in love. Alternatively, the dream symbol may also be a pun and indicate you need to put closure on some situation as in "sealing the deal".

DOG/PUPPY
To see a puppy in your dream, symbolizes your playfulness and carefree nature. It also represents a blossoming friendship or that your friendships will grow stronger.
To dream that you are taking care of some puppies, indicates that you are a trustworthy and loyal friend especially in difficult times
To see a dog in your dream, symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. Alternatively, it indicates a skill that you have ignored or forgotten.

BACKGARDEN
To dream about your backyard, represents your childhood memories or your unconscious. Things in the backyard are things you want to keep hidden and out of the view of others. The condition of the yard is also symbolic of how well you maintain and balance aspects of your life.

BATH-TUB
To see or be in a bathtub in your dream, suggests a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems. You need to rid yourself of the burdens that you have been carrying. Alternatively, it indicates your mood for love and pursuit of pleasure and relaxation.

JACKET
To dream of a jacket is to dream of a means of keeping warm and giving social signals.

This makes sense to me, its about the problems that i'm having at work so i don't want to go into too much detail, but it makes so much sense to me right now.

I doesn't always happen, but i like it when my dreams make sense to me.... if only i could have a dream about a skinny me :)

Points Diary

2010-03-26T11:24:00.002Z

Thursday 25th March

Green Monster Smoothie: 1/3cup raspberries, 1xorange, 1xpeach, 1xbanana, 1x monster handful of spinach: 4.5
Breakfast Bar: 3.5
x2 w/w pitta bread: 3
x2 egg: 3
x2 ham: 1
x1/3 cup toms: 0
ketchup: 0.5
Squash & chickpea curry: 9
Pitta bread: 1.5
Nak'd Bar: 4.5
Total: 30

Fruit/veg: 5.5, exercise: zilch, water: 4 pints, vitamins: zilch

Points Diary

2010-03-25T13:35:00.002Z

Wednesday 24th March

Green Monster Smoothie: 1xmango, 1/3 cup raspberries, 1xbanana, 1xbig handful of spinach: 4.5
Hotcross Bun and spread: 3
1xtoast, butter, egg, asda GFY vegetarian spaghetti and sausages, ketchup: 5
Chicken korma: 8
w/w Pitta bread x2: 3
Mango chutney: 1.5
Salad: 0
Banana/Blueberry/Fat Free Greek Yoghurt Frozen mush: 4.5
Total Points: 29

Fruit/Veg: six, exercise: 40 minute walk, water: 4 pints, vitamins: zilch

Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyy?

2010-03-25T11:21:00.003Z

Whilst hunting around the blogosphere, I came across Jack Sh*t - how the heck have i managed to miss his blog all this time?!?

He's an inspiration in itself and it just happened that when i found his page, he was asking alot of questions - so i decided to join in.

Why do you suppose you let your life be less than you imagined it to be?

I was unhappy. I still am, in a way.
So I ate.
Food brought me what i thought was happiness.
I shocked myself when i drunkenly (three years ago now) said to a male friend (upon discussing attraction/weight) - 'you don't understand, if people don't like me now, its because of my size, its because i weigh over 300 lbs, but if i lose that - god, that means people really dislike me!' And i don't think i just meant boys - i meant everyone.
I learned that i really really really want to be liked, i really really really want that pat on the head saying well done (and god, its uncomfortable saying that) - and when life didn't deliver, well... i wasn't really expecting that.
So i ate.
I remember being bored even when i was young and eating, sneaking whatever i could find because nobody was around - I've acknowledged now that i have a really low attention span... but when i get bored, whether I'm five or twenty-five, yep, you've guessed it...
So i ate.
I also remember feeling out of place - I'm nearly 6 foot and a girl. Even when i was thinner, i never fit in with those delicate tiny little things because.. well. even if my BMI was dead-on, my legs would weigh more than my five-foot friend did. I could never find clothes that fit, because even ten years ago it was difficult to find trousers to fit a female with a 34" inner leg! So i couldn't spend my pocket money/paper round wages on clothes...
So I ate.

Why do you stumble so often despite all your good intentions?

I have one of those all-or-nothing mentality's that so many of us can recognise, you know the one, 'if i don't stick to this diet/exercise/points 100% then i might as well give up and eat cake for an entire day... and maybe tomorrow... heck lets start again on Monday'
I also get over confident, at about the 21lb mark every single time, and i think its because i start to notice change then, physically i mean, like my jeans are lose, my face seems a tad thinner.
And as i said above, what if i actually continue to lose weight? And what if, heaven forbid, that i actually get to a goal weight? Well, if people didn't like me then it would be because of me not because of my waggly under-arm flab or my fat bum or my thighs that chafe - it would be just because of me and that is freaking scary.
I also snowball - what i mean by that is, i return to old ways, instead of treating myself with a new nailvarnish and soggywetlettuceleaf-style pedicure, I'll buy a small tub of low-fat ice-cream, then the next time, i'll buy a bigger pot, then before you know it I've got two tubs of ben and jerry's for £5 and I've left that healthy lifestyle wagon in the freezer section in Asda.

Why do you sabotage yourself?

I thought about this question for a while and then came back to it and the only thing i came up with:

Ultimately?

I'm scared.

Scared of change.
Scared of permanent CHANGE!
Scared of not being able to have lazy days in pyjamas and ice cream any more.
Scared of rejection.
Scared that I'll lose me.
Scared that I'll find a newer me and won't remember the old me.
Scared that i won't be able to sustain this new me and I'll just be another weight loss statistic of weight-gain and end up alone eaten by Alsatians.

Why are you here anyway?

I started this blog in mid-2008 and its been on and off and on and off for a while. This is the longest I've ever stuck with it.
And it helps this little community we all have.
There are things that can make you laugh. Things that can make you cry. Things that can make you go 'me too!' And that helps, god, it helps so much when you feel like you're the only one going through this.
And writing everything down is such a therapeutic way to do things - I'm learning about myself step by step - and if that's not going to help in the long-run then I'm not sure what is.

And also, prior to creating this blog i had an argument with the sister-lettuce - yep, even though we're no longer children - we had an argument of the type only sibling can have... about lettuce.
Me: I do not like ice-berg lettuce, i hate it, i will pick it out of things.
Sister-Lettuce: Stop acting like a child, its only lettuce.
Me: I know, but I'm not acting like a child, I'll gladly eat other lettuces, i just don't like those!
And it escalated.
And whilst we were shouting at each other, i remembered something that I'd forgotten - when we were about nine (again having an argument) she called me a fat cow - that's the only time she's ever insulted my weight that i remember. And i remember the only thing i did was walk away silently and tell the mum-lettuce. I can't remember anything else other than feeling so sad. And now i just feel angry, because i wasn't fat in the slightest, not at all.

These emotions, these feelings, that i just didn't know what to do with, these contributed to the name of this blog - and that in a way is why I'm here as well, i don't want to be called names anymore, i don't want to have arguments anymore, i just want to go on my merry little way and learn. Learn how not to return to this place.

If you’re making it, if you’re succeeding on this weight-loss journey, tell me why this time is different than all the others.
Why are you going to make it this time when you’ve fallen short before.

Before, i was single, i was wrapped up in my own little life, being un-single i have realised that i actually am still unhappy with my weight and essentially deep-down, there's issues that I've never dealt with, issues that I've never said out loud, not deep dark painful ones, but ones big enough to stop me in my tracks before.

Now, I'm acknowledging them, i acknowledge that sometimes they don't just affect my eating, they affect my work, my relationships and its so sad that I've let myself get this way and that maybe moving forward, changing, one pound at a time, one emotion at a time, is less scary than staying here, in this place.

And also, slow and steady wins the race - i may have this weighty 160lbs to lose total, but its all about little changes daily - one pound, one habit, one behaviour, one emotion, one acknowledgement and one step.

I'm also taking responsibility for myself - it is sooooo easy to blame everyone for why you're here, when at the end of the day - its only you.
Its only this soggywetlettuceleaf that has got herself where she is today.

Why are you going to keep it off this time when you’ve gained it back before.

When i get there, I'll let you know :)
I've got a long journey ahead of me, but I'm hoping that its going to teach me quite a lot, so that when i do reach goal I'm not going to reach for a tub of ice-cream as well.

Why are you a different person now than you were before?

I'm moving on, I want to give 'old me' a hug and tell her that she's been holding the fort for a long time but that its time to have a rest and let me move onto 'new me' - let me work at building her skills up so she can rule the roost for a bit.
I'm not at 'new me' yet, but I'm getting there, I'm learning new things about myself, i care for myself in a way that i didn't before and i think I'm also learning acceptance which is a big thing when your 'old me' didn't even understand the word.

Some of those questions are uncomfortable to answer, but I've tried to be honest - to help me move forward. It will be inter sting to look at this after 50lbs loss or 100lbs loss.
Answering this has also made me realise that there are times when i still feel quite low, I've had depression in my past, but the good thing is that I'm learning more effective ways to deal with it than ever before. And step by step they're working.

Motivation, Inspiration... Blogivation?

2010-03-25T10:13:00.004Z

This is my 100th post!
Woop woop! So i thought i would make it a good one....

As i said on an earlier post, last week for me was full of... well i wouldn't even call it eating as much of it was pretty much inhaled so last week was spent binging on food. And not healthy food either, sugar filled crap. My emotions were all over the place and i didn't know how to cope with that so i resorted to my old ways. And it didn't make me feel good about myself.

So on Monday I drew a line and then i thought about that line - how am i going to move forward from this? So i thought motivation would be the way forward and to get that i turned to all of you guys, i read every single blog i could find and digested what was said.
I think only you guys out there know what its like to have food calling you and feel like you can't resist it, but you have done - and thats what i'm going to take inspiration from.

Marisa at Loser for Life described the realisation that:

'crap begets crap. I feel like crap when I eat those heavy foods. It also drives me to crave more crap. I fought those cravings all day on Sunday, sometimes giving in and sometimes snapping out of it. It was one of those days without a “serious” meal, just lots of snacking and nibbling of this and that.
I was kinda bummed about my choices. I didn’t beat myself up, but I wasn’t thrilled with myself. I realized that it’s harder to “forgive” yourself for the indulgences when you feel like you haven’t “finished the job”, so to speak. I feel the pull of guilt because I haven’t gotten to goal or where I want to be. And actually, these past couple of weeks, it seems like I’m getting further and further away.
The Universe even sent me this message…
No one loses anything, Marisa, that doesn’t eventually come back.
And I fear that is true. I don’t know for certain because I have not gotten on the scale, but I “feel” it. Sigh.
So, what’s a girl to do? Give up. Eat away and gain it ALL back. Nah, you know that’s not my style! I’m gonna keep trying, keep pushing, keep working, keep searching for what will work for me, keep learning and keep exercising. For one day, SUCCESS will be found'

Alexia at My Wicked Wicked Ways describes what a doctor said to her following a health scare (which i can sympathise with!):

'She believed that if I lost a percentage of my body weight (I forgot the exact amount) everything would sort out. I remember thinking, " But I'm not even that big!"

That summer I started drinking lots of water, eating better, and lost 20 pounds without even realizing it. And after that, except for a couple reckless months last fall, I've been taking my health seriously. I've realized that my health is really all I have.

So my point is this: Either you're motivated or you're NOT. Either you want to lose weight and get healthier or you DON'T. I don't believe we can create motivation, we just have to want it badly enough.

For me, it's as simple as: "Alexia, do you want to lose weight or not? Do you want your health age to be twice you actual age?!" Or even, "Do you like your backfat?!"

That's what motivates me.

Tamzin at One Inch at a Time describes a great success:

'Its been 13 weeks of blogging and you have finally made it back into the 280's and out of the 290's (which feels great)... but remember this...

It wasn't luck or some magic ninja dust or the Moon and Jupiter aligning up on the same evening.

It was:

1.Eating right (salads and good foods at the office)
2.Getting in 5 days of exercise
3.Drinking lots of water
4.Getting good sleep
5.Being prepared
6.Small steps, each and every day

....this is just a friendly reminder as you go into this week as a "winner" the job is not done yet - Keep up the good work.

Jenn from the newly renamed Watch my Bump Grow (congratulations by the way!) spoke about being jealous of other weight-loss bloggers successes:

I wonder if this is "Biggest Loser Syndrome"...are we all just looking to lose massive amounts of weight each week like they do on TV?

I don't think this is the case for me. I'm quite happy with my 2 pound losses. I just wish they happened every week from April 30th until now. BUT - that's not to say I'm not happy with what I've actually lost. 30+ pounds is nothing to sneeze at, people.

I think I just need to remind myself that everyone is different. Everyone gains weight and loses weight for different reasons, in different ways, and at different rates. Not everyone has had the stresses in my life that I've had. Some people have had it worse, some better. And some people don't deal with stress the same way I do (*cough* binge eating *cough*).

We are each unique and just as we all must customize our eating and lifestyles, we must also accept that how we lose weight is going to be different.

So if you're losing 1/2 or 1 pound per week, or per month, don't be hard on yourself. If you are eating well and moving more, you will lose your weight. Every pound down is a step in the right direction!

Tiffany from Project 365 described how to deal with the thoughts and emotions post-cheesecake:

I'm sure it all added up to over 1,000 calories and I was just absolutely infuriated with myself for those choices. It's weird- I have no problem exercising great self control in ANY other situation, but for some reason when I'm eating out, I begin to... not care. It's not like I'm ravenous and can't tell myself no, I simply don't want to tell myself no when I'm eating out...it's like I magically transform into a person that isn't over 300lbs when I'm eating out and that I don't have to worry about what I'm eating, when CLEARLy that's not the case.

I've got to be honest and say that when this situation occured fear hit me like a ton of bricks. Not the fear of gaining weight or even having to share it with you all, but the fear that this could be evidence that I can't do this. And then I remembered this. I really would encourage everyone to read this post- it was an epiphany I had about a month back and I can't tell you how much it helped me to remember that me experiencing this lack of control when eating out is a gift. I now recognize that this is something that I've got to face head on and learn to overcome so that my weight loss CAN be a long term thing. Failing in eating out these past few weeks doesn't have to be proof that I can't do it- I can choose to make it a stepping stone in the process to a long life of health because sooner or later I'm sure this problem would arise- whether it's when I am 40lbs down or 140lbs down and it's a lesson that I'm welcoming and will use to make me that much stronger.

I'm going to follow the 3 little steps that I came up with when I make a decision I'm not happy with:

1- Accept that it was a decision I made, not the result of circumstances, fate, or an accident.
2- Understand why I made the decision.
3- Plan for the future; how can I overcome this obstacle next time?

Friends, don't allow the mistakes your making to stack up against you as evidence that you cannot do this- YOU CAN. Allow them to simply be a part of the process; something you've got to learn in order to make this a life long thing.

You (and I) are much stronger than we think, let's prove it!

And these are just a few.... Ladies your wise words are inspiration to me please keep it up!

This is all basic knowledge that we know. And we *do* know it, its just that sometimes it seems very far away, or just not so relevant, so i'm posting this on my wall to remind me that i'm not alone and that i can do it - i just need to want it enough.
And also if there are some stumbles along the way, its okay, i just need to pick myself up and dust myself down and accept that i'm human.

Word-free Wednesdays

2010-03-24T22:03:00.008Z

Points Diary

2010-03-24T16:22:00.002Z

Tuesday 23rd March

Green Monster Smoothie: 1xBanana, 1xMango, 1xPeach, 1xbig handful of spinach: 4.5
Breakfast bar: 3.5
Bubble&Squeak Patty: 5
Pork and Apple Burger with Sweet Potato wedges: 9.0
Nak'd bar: 4.5
Ketchup:0.5
Baked Beans: 2.0
Total Points: 30

Fruit/Veg: Seven, exercise: zilch, water: 4 pints, vitamins: zilch

Mondays Motivational Memo's

2010-03-23T11:57:00.002Z

1. Write your points down - you will feel better knowing exactly what you're consuming.
2. Cook from scratch using fresh products - again, you know you feel so much better and not only that but your skin and your hair and your eyes look so much better.
3. Drink your water - there's a reason why you're feeling empty at the start and end of the day and thats because you're not drinking enough.
4. Try a little bit of exercise please? You're not happy at the moment and you know that generally when you reach this amount of weight loss you start to lose the plot/plateau - get there first. Even just a walk to the shops, going swimming or ten minutes of that pilates video. You like how exercise makes your body feel - so go on, surprise yourself!
5. Plan your foods, you're good at it, you put in variety - you also need to start doing this for the weekend as you're losing the plot a bit there and pretending that nothing is going on, when you'll only hate yourself when you don't see the results you want.
6. Keep looking for a dress - two sizes down - when you find it - buy it and attach it to the back of your door - that's motivation!
7. In two weeks, you will be measuring yourself for the first time in about three months - isn't that motivation in itself?!

I am grateful for....

2010-03-23T11:54:00.002Z

1. Understanding people - you don't meet many, but the one's that are, are priceless.
2. I was walking to the doctors the other day and walked past a young boy and his dad and the young boy stared up at me and said 'hello lady', waved and then walked on. It tickled me and made me feel lots of warm fuzzies.
3. Ebay - isn't it great? :) I'm selling lots of old clothes on there at the moment.
4. Old weight watchers mags - i'm a bit of a hoarder and keep lots of things i shouldn't, but i'm glad i've kept these.
5. Ripe mango's - they taste of summer and travelling to exotic climes.

Points

2010-03-23T11:49:00.003Z

Monday 22nd March

Green monster Smoothie: 1x small galia melon, 1x med banana, 1/3 cup raspberries, big handful of spinach: 6
Breakfast Bar: 3.5
Bubble & Squeak Patty (with egg and ketchup): 5
Homemade Chicken Korma: 12
x3 Poppadoms: 1.5
Fruit mash-up: 1.5
Total points: 30.5

Fruit/Veg: Five, exercise: 35 minutes steady walk, water: 6 pints, vitamins: zilch

Drawing that line and moving forward

2010-03-23T11:43:00.002Z

Right, I've had my ten days of wallowing and eating everything i wanted.

And do you know what, surprisingly, i don't actually feel any better for it.

So, as of now, 11.48 on this very rainy 23rd March 2010, this soggywetlettuceleaf is not going to beat herself up about said binge, instead she is going to draw a line and move forward.

Here's my line:

__________________________________________________

Belated... I am grateful for...

2010-03-15T21:00:00.004Z

okay, so this should have been posted yesterday, but the one thing i am grateful for is;

my mum-lettuce

It was Mother's Day over here in the UK yesterday and i think that is where I'm going to leave my grateful list, because nothing compares to how grateful i am that she brought me into this world but also is still looking out for me.

Back to the Points

2010-03-15T20:47:00.002Z

Monday 15th March

Potato and Cabbage Patties: 5
Green Monster Smoothie: 4.5
Mango: 1.5
Pasta and mince: 10
Jacket Potato: 4.5
Tuna: 2
Salad: 0
Butter: 1
Crisps: 1.5

Total: 30 points
Five F&V, no vitamins, three water

*This week I need to do better with my water and vitamin intake*

I want your body!

2010-03-15T16:44:00.007Z

I love Gwyneth Harrison, Hayley Morley and Laura Catterall.

I also love Crystal Renn.

I love that all the clothes from the bottom two pictures come from Evans and I love that Evans is changing and adapting with the times. My one big complaint with them was that the clothes were so ill-fitting and sometimes a flattering shape would be much more beneficial. I also felt that they had quite extreme styles; in the sense that it was aimed at either a much maturer clientele or a much younger, leaving me bereft in sea of fashion that didn't quite fit me!

My weight-loss journey is going to be a long one, i know that, so i know that Evans is going to be my friend for quite a while longer yet, but i hope that we'll have a good journey together and that i won't resent it for not being *exactly* what I'm looking for, especially when most of the time all i want is clothes that don't make me look like a sack of potatoes.

I also wanted to give a shout out to Diane from Fat Girls like Nice Clothes too - I'm being inspired to change my clothes and adapt to the new styles rather than just accepting what i bring home in my shopping bag - Diane you rock!

*Copyright of these pictures goes to The Times newspaper*

Timeline of the Age of the Soggywetlettuceleaf

2010-03-15T15:53:00.004Z

I thought I'd put a timeline of my weight ... i think i need to start looking at what was going on for me at the times of weight change...

AGE 11:
I was bought a pair of size 10 women's black trousers for school because the children's range didn't fit me anymore, i think at the time it was more to do with my height (had quite a few growth spurts round then), but i also remember mentions of 'puppy fat' and that I'll grow out of it someday. That didn't really help when i felt so at odds with myself and the other kids, i remember one day starting to cry in class (i want to say that it was for attention, but that sounds a bit brutal to be aimed at an 11 year old), i got sent outside, the headmaster asked me what was going on, i was fine two minutes ago - i didn't have an answer.

AGE 15:
This was the first time i went to the doctors about my weight, i remember being weighed by this doctor and in front of the mum-lettuce and it coming out at 15 stone (i was the same height then as i am now), i was given a leaflet about how 'Fats are bad! Veggies are good!' and sent on my merry way.

AGE 17:
I was 18 stone, i signed myself up to a gym and started to lose weight.
I remember friends talking about their weight really openly, all i could say was that i needed to lose about six stone. There was a girl was that thin that you could see through her legs when she was standing normally (if that makes sense?), i remember being so envious. I enjoyed the gym and the swimming and lose some weight although i can't remember how much.

AGE 18:
I started working and i joined Slimming World with the BF-lettuce - i was 18.8 and remember being mortified. I started going to the gym at lunchtime and people started noticing that i was losing weight. I found the green and red days quite simple to work with, but i remember on more than one occasion being devastated when the scales didn't show a loss.

AGE 19:
I moved away and joined weight watchers, as i was poor i started to follow the points on my own, using the message boards for support, i was using the gym, i felt healthy for the first time in so long, i remember seeing my family after about three months apart and them being shocked at my size, i weighed myself and i was 16.9, the lowest i've been since age 15. Things went wrong, i had to return and i felt alone and worthless so i ate and ate and ate, although people were polite and said they couldn't see it, i could and i could feel it and there was now three drawers full of clothes that no longer fitted me.

AGE 21:
I tried to rejoin weight watchers again, but it only lasted two weeks as i lost my job and couldn't justify the money. I don't remember what i weighed in as, but remembered losing 9lbs in my first week due to extreme gymming!

AGE 22, part one:
I had to go the doctors for something quite serious and ended up having two operations, but I'll never forget one doctor telling me that at 22, with over 50% of my weight being fat, I'd be lucky to reach fifty.
I cried and cried, but didn't actually put anything into action.

AGE 22, part two:
Another job, this time shift work, i didn't do weight watchers, instead i counted calories, which is weird to acknowledge as i can't really get my head round why i did that at the time. I had a busy life but manage to fit the gym in three-four times a week, i was also ill for a while, i got down to 19.6 and remember that my trousers were literally hanging off me. I stopped when i couldn't attend the gym and slowly it piled back on.

AGE 23:
This was when i started this, i re-joined weight watchers, the nicest group that I've ever been too, and i managed to get myself down to 20.2 - this was thanks to the Davina exercise DVD's which I've mentioned before. I felt great. Again, i got blinded by success and stress at work and put that weight back on. I also stopped blogging.

AGE 25:
This is weight watchers at home, I'm doing well and I've lost 22.5 lbs which is over 5% of my starting weight. I'd like to get back into exercise but I'm taking it a day at a time.
It's baby steps and I'm trying to focus on a pound at a time, but its working.

I don't want to add any more ages, i don't want this to have an RIP on it in five years time, i really want to change my life, stop this pattern, i don't want to keep doing this to myself.

An Eventful Emotional Week

2010-03-15T15:30:00.005Z

My earlier posts might suggest that this has been a brilliant week full of successes and hurrah but if I'm entirely honest its been far from it. It's been a nightmare week that has had me in tears for most of it. And I'm proud that right up until the moment of my weigh-in I stuck to my points.

And then my weigh-in happened.

And then the aftermath.

I've always thought that i don't really emotionally eat - if i eat when I'm crying that's what emotional eating is right? This weekend I've realised that i am utterly wrong. Whilst i may not eat when I'm crying, i think its important that i acknowledge that what i do instead is cry and then seem to bottle all those bitty emotions up into a ball in the pit of my stomach. And let them simmer for a while. Simmering away, following my points.

Then, i get the nod to say its okay. For me, i had the weigh-in and then that was a green card to eat anything, anything at all as long as it made me feel better, even if it was only for a brief moment. I ate a burger and chips, more chips and a fishcake, a medium cake, a big packet of crisps, some ice-cream, more crisps, another mini-cake, two pieces of battered fish and a roast dinner.

This was over two days, so whilst it might seem weird, I'm proud that i didn't eat any more, in the past i would have quite easily withdrawn £30 and gone to various supermarkets and then just sat down and ate. I didn't do that, this mistake is rectifiable if i point all this week.

But.... that isn't solving my problem.

Hello, my name is soggywetlettuceleaf and i emotionally eat, I'd like to welcome you to my world and what goes on inside my head.

Three days prior to weigh-in:

Emile the bad emotion: Can i eat yet? Please let me eat, i just want some chocolate or some ice-cream, its comfort food, it makes me feel better, it really really does!
Soggy Brain: Do you know what, it really has been a rough week for you hasn't it? I acknowledge that, so what I'm going to do for you is ask you to stick to the points until your weigh-in and then you can eat what you want after that, it doesn't count, its weigh-in day, you've always done, all those people at the WW meetings do it and one day isn't going to count, and do you know what? you deserve it you've done well, so so well. You can treat yourself after weigh-in, promise. Whatever you want.

At the end of weigh-in day:

Emile the bad emotion: I haven't had enough, its only been one day, i need more, this isn't helping me, another day is all i ask then you won't feel empty inside, you'll feel full full full and then we'll stick to it, you feel guilty already don't you? For eating all of this, why not have another day tomorrow, and start properly on Monday, it'll be fine, two weeks is enough to get a four pound loss.
Soggy Brain: GUILT!GUILT!GUILT! But i don't feel better, i still want to cry, i still feel empty inside, food isn't going to stop that.... but i guess one more day isn't going to hurt me, i know i can stick to my points if i do well. And there's not much point in re-starting on a Sunday is there? Be better to start on a Monday, that just makes far more sense. If i eat a bit more i won't feel guilty as I'll have treated myself like i promised, its only one weekend.

Okay, so a bit cheesy but it still worries me that i think this way, i know that i've only been doing this properly for three months and that this is going to have to be a lifestyle change not a short term solution - but how can i tackle these thoughts, these behaviours when they're so ingrained?!

It's a long journey ahead of me for one little lettuce leaf and, honestly, its scary.

But i'm making positive steps, yes my emotional eating exists but i can challenge it and i can beat it, i've just got to make sure that i don't beat myself up along the way when i make mistakes, i'm only human and change isn't an easy path.

Breakfast of Champions!

2010-03-15T15:21:00.005Z

I've had a bag of spinach in my fridge for nearly two weeks and every time i look at it and then shut the door it looks a little sadder. Every time.

So, i decided today was going to be the day for spinach liberation in the form of a green monster! I have been reading about these all over the blogosphere and decided to jump in!

So this is what my breakfast looked like today:

It was my weight watchers breakfast bubble and squeak patties (with ketchup and an egg) for five points then a monster green smoothie (it nearly didn't fit in my pint glass!) that had a banana, three strawberries, a massive handful of spinach and a cup of rice-milk in it, all for 4.5 points - quite a point-a-rific breakfast so I'd probably separate them in future but it was blumming yummy for a sunny Monday morning! I'll be honest and say that i couldn't quite get my head round it to begin with, my taste buds were going 'mmmmmmm' but my eyes were going 'put that disgusting mess down'.... ah well, we'll see if time can help as i've got one again tomorrow!

The Italian Diet by Gino D'Campo

2010-03-15T14:53:00.005Z

I'm proud of myself for my eating over the last two weeks, i percevered, i stuck with it, i pointed every damn thing that entered my mouth and i was successful.
And i didn't do it eating supermarket 'low-fat' meals, I ate healthily.

The last two weeks the vast majority of my recipes have been from this book:

Yep, its The Italian Diet by Gino D'Campo, the food is nutritious and healthy and the ingredients are all stuff you can buy locally and whats even better is that he has the nutritional information for all of his recipes on every page which makes it very simple to work out weight watchers points.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of Butternut squash soup with rocket, home-made meatballs, homemade breakfast bars, baked tomato gnocchi and strawberries with melon and pistachio nuts and they are all so yummy! So far there has only been one recipe thats been a bit bland (chunky vegetable soup with barley and pesto, but i'm sure by adding more vegetables to it, i could take that flavour up a notch! The only thing that i've found frustrating is that i think i'm missing out on some beautiful flavours due to cooking these to have at work so therefore removing the garlic. But i will survive!

Apologies for not taking any photo's but i will try better over the next fortnight!

If you're not too sure about the recipes in the book or if they're for you, i'd say be open to possibilities, i bought this with a book voucher wondering what the fuss was about and i was pleasantly surprised. You can also have a look around the recipe section on his website for a sneaky try before you buy.

Lastly, just in case, i thought i'd best say that these are all my own opinions, i'm not being endorsed in any way. Although, if Gino D'Campo for any bizarre reason does read this, i'm open to freebies! :)

Weigh-in 2010: Number 6

2010-03-14T12:11:00.002Z

I am sooooooo pleased, i really needed good news yesterday, so to find out that i had lost 5 lbs, bringing my total lost to 1 1/2 stone makes me so tremendously happy and I'm beginning to see the weight loss in my face and my jeans are able to be pulled up and down without the buttons/zip being undone!

It also means that i have:
- three weeks to go to lose 7lbs in order to reach my mini-goal of 2 stone loss by 3rd April 2010
- 285lbs is my 10% loss of starting weight, so I'll make sure i get something to celebrate!
- halfway to my goal of losing three stone and then i can justify buying a Nintendo wii, wii fitness board etc and not worry about breaking it when i stand on it!

Hurrah for happy days!

Less of the Points Ahoy...

2010-03-11T06:59:00.002Z

Wednesday 10th March

Breakfast Bar: 5
Mango: 1.5
Pasta & Mince: 10
Soup:1

Total points 17.5

I was busy in the evening and went to bed early, i honestly wasn't hungry and i wasn't about to force myself to eat - i've just got to be careful on thursday that i don't go mad with cravings/food.

Points Ahoy!

2010-03-09T21:35:00.003Z

TUESDAY 9th MARCH

Breakfast bar:5
Butternut squash and rocket soup:3.5
Galia Melon and Strawb's:2.5
x3 bread:4
Tuna:3
Mayno:2
Butter:2
x4 crackers:4
Spoonfuls x2 of pasta and mince:2
1/2 packet crisps: 2
Total points:28

Motivational Monday Memo's

2010-03-08T20:31:00.002Z

I haven't done one of these is some time so bear with me... but i am in need of a kick up the butt!

1. I really really really want to lose at least 3 pounds on Saturday - i can only achieve this by sticking to the plan.
2. Tracking is the key to success, done it for one week - keep it up!
3. You know you hate feeling dehydrated, so crack on with that water!
4. Keep it up, you can do it, this time is to prove that you can do it without exercise - this will be re-introduced later.
5. Make sure you have time to relax - its not all stress, points and eating!

Points....

2010-03-08T20:26:00.003Z

MONDAY 8TH MARCH

Breakfast bar: 5
x1 Muffin bar: 2
Butternut Squash and Rocket Salad: 3.5
Galia Melon and Strawb's: 2.5
Pasta with minced meat and onions: 14
10 pistachio's: 1
Apple juice: 2
Total of 30 points
Five portions of fruit/veg, four cups of water :(, no vitamins

Things I am grateful for....

2010-03-07T20:23:00.002Z

1. The kindness of strangers - going round supermarket no.2, couldn't be bothered to get a trolley/basket so just ladened myself up to high heaven only to get to the checkout and drop a bag of rocket whilst in the queue and with no way to get hold of it other than to kick it to the check-out - some lovely lady and her family spotted and picked it up for me - lovely lovely peoples!
2.NSV's - the mother-lettuce told me that she has noticed a difference in my eyes since i've been eating healthier - not sure what it is exactly, but it sounded like a good thing!
3.Being pleasantly surprised by recipes that don't look like they're going to work out - fish pie made with cream cheese with sweet potatoes on top - as i said, it was a success - hurrah!
4. I've always told myself that healthy food were more expensive than chips, chocolate etc - but you know what, if you buy it all in season - they're not! They're cheaper!
5. Amaretto and strawberries... mixed together... for breakfast.... nom.

Points.....

2010-03-05T17:26:00.002Z

FRIDAY 5TH MARCH

Breakfast bar: 5
Pancakes x4: 5
Hartleys canned apple pie filling: 4
Jacket Potato: 4
Tuna&Mayo: 4
x2 Cheese slice: 5
x1 Muffin bar: 2
Total of 29 points
Four portions of fruit/veg, four cups of water :(, all vitamins

SATURDAY 6Th MARCH
Strawberry/Amaretto mix: 4
x2 Pancakes: 2
Jacket Potato: 4
Tuna:2
Butter: 1
Muffin Bar:2
Half breakfast bar:2.5
Fish pie and veg: 14
Cider and Black: 3.5
Total of 35 points
1.5 hours walk - not sure on the points for my weight right now...
Four portions of fruit/veg, five cups of water, no vitamins

SUNDAY 7Th MARCH
Strawberry/Amaretto mix: 4
x2 Pancakes: 2
Breakfast bar: 2.5
Jacket Potato: 4
Tuna:2
Butter: 1
Muffin Bar:2
Butternut squash and rocket soup: 3.5
Mouthful of pasta dish: 3
Total: 23.5 (as i went over yesterday, this leaves me with 2.5 extra)
Five portions of fruit/veg, five cups of water, 1/2 vitamins

Points....

2010-03-04T20:37:00.002Z

THURS 4th MARCH

Breakfast bar: 5
Meatballs: 9
Mango: 1.5
Lychees: 3
Apple juice: 2
Bread x1: 1.5
Butter: 0.5
Ketchup: 0.5
Egg x2: 3
Beans: 4

Five portions of fruit/veg, two cups of water :(, all vitamins

Night-time snacking....

2010-03-03T19:33:00.004Z

I was reading Lyn's Escape from Obesity recently. I really enjoy how she writes and also the topics she writes about. In fact if you've never heard of her... run... run to her blog now! And start reading!

On March 2nd she posted her 'habit-a-week challenge' about night-time snacking. I can really sympathise with this, many an evening have i eaten 'normal, regular, healthy' food all through the day and then I've sat down in front of the telly and gorged on half a loaf of bread, a box of fish fingers and anything chocolate that wasn't nailed down. This would lead to me feeling bloated, really guilty and really annoyed and disappointed with myself. I'd then tell myself that as I've already had one blow out, whats the point I'll start tomorrow and then proceed to eat more food whilst feeling even more guilty as the more rational part of me would be screaming 'NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! What are you doing? Put that spoon down!'

I haven't regularly snacked at night since before i re-started this, but i have had opportunities to and if I'm utterly honest there have been times when i have and then felt that same regret.

I have identified that when i did snack at night,it would be:

- after a 'stressful' day - i know i would normally think 'you know what nothing else has gone right today, treat yourself, no one else is going to treat you and you'll feel better after it, what tastes better than two hours of eating sugary delights?'

- it would usually be mindless - i don't get any pleasure from eating three days worth of food in two hours, it would be devoured as quickly as possible, so no-one would catch me or tell me off, i'd even eat and eat and eat until i was in pain, even if i was feeling full, i'd continue eating

- it would usually be when i was sat in front of the TV alone - the breaks every 10/15 minutes would be great opportunities to go and another helping or three to last me until the next TV break, i have honestly sat there and spent the full seven minute break toasting bread after bread, piling it high with butter and jam, slice after slice until the the TV programme returns so then i have a nice big plateful.

- out of boredom, my life, at times, can be quite sedentary and boring, full of work, tv and sleep - i don't like that, i get frustrated being sat down for long periods of time, apparently walking to the kitchen was a way out of that

- when i was unhappy, i truly used to feel unlovable, i still do in a way, and you know what, if you're down there will always be food - always.

- also, and i know this goes back to my childhood, at night, no one can see you, you can sneak food and you wouldn't be told off for it, i remember when i was younger going downstairs in my pyjamas and dressing gown, going into the kitchen and cramming every pocket, even putting them in my slippers and the side of my bra! just to sneak sugary treats past my parents. I need to start telling myself (and i also need to start listening) that no one is waiting to tell me off anymore, only my body and my life and my emotional health are going to suffer if i continue sneaking food.

So, how have i got round this then?

- i'm leading a busier life
- i try not to go near the kitchen after 9pm if I'm by myself
- i have water by the side of my bed
- i try to occupy my mind by reading, blogs, phone-calls, planning meals
- i try to cook early in the evening so I'm not tempted by other goodies in the kitchen cupboards
- i'm also trying to ask myself if i am actually hungry or if i'm just craving sugar/chocolate/bread
- i'm also trying to brush my teeth early in the evening to 'taint' my mouth!

Its going okay so far, but i know there will always be the temptation of the late-night snacking so its something that i'm going to have to keep in check.

Points...

2010-03-03T19:26:00.003Z

WEDNESDAY 3rd MARCH

Breakfast Bar: 5
Meatballs and Rice: 9
Haddock and Leek Risotto: 10.5
Sprinkling of parmesan cheese and low fat yoghurt: 3
Mango & Strawberries: 2.5
Equals a total of 30 points
Five portions of fruit/veg, five cups of water, all vitamins

I did make porridge from a new recipe book to use up those three points but it wasn't scrummy so i paniced and just added the three points to the risotto - it'll be useful in the future for me to have back-up snacks of dried fruit and nuts for 2 points so i don't panic and use points up on things that won't fill me up.

Points for the day...

2010-03-02T18:11:00.003Z

TUESDAY 2nd MARCH

Breakfast Bar: 5
Meatballs and Rice: 9
Fish and chips: 9
Melon & Strawberries: 2.5
Grapes: 2
Beans: 2
Ketchup: 0.5
Equals a total of 30 points
Five portions of fruit/veg, five cups of water, all vitamins

Obviously this is at nearly 1830 in the evening, so in theory i could lie and go and eat the contents of my kitchen, but i'm not going to, i want to see that two stone loss acheived, so i'm going to retire, do a spot of cleaning, read some blogs and just drink water for the rest of the evening.

Things I am grateful for...

2010-03-01T22:04:00.003Z

1. Sunday evenings - the best time to get soooo much sorted and then chill out before the madness begins. I also like having my cooking bonanaza on sunday evenings for the rest of the week.
2. Melons! I forget melon tastes soooo good - especially Galia melon, its like freshness and spring all wrapped up in a bowl.
3. Juice - might seem weird but sometimes i get bored of water and then i decide not to drink it... this helps me overcome that hurdle.
4. Good news and change - not going to blurb everything on here but suffice to say i am happy.
5. Lavender scented moisturiser - its CALM in a bottle!

Dark and Dodgy weigh-in!

2010-03-01T21:45:00.002Z

Sorry about the dodgy lighting on this photo - i have now learnt that my camera skills are dodgy to say the least and that energy-saving bulbs are not best until they've warmed up a bit, but it does say that i have:
- lost one pound
- my BMI is now at 40.6
- my body fat percentage is at 45.7

I spent half an hour or so moping about this to being with because... well its only a pound over two weeks! And then i decided to look at why...

1) Have i been pointing?
If I'm honest no. And whilst i have an excuse for one night out of the fourteen i don't have anything justifiable reasons for the other thirteen.
2) Have you been writing down your points?
Again, if I'm honest no, i look in my little black points diary and I've got nothing for the past three weeks. Not acceptable.
3)Have i been drinking water?
Well yes i have, but not enough, nowhere near enough.
4) Exercise?
Ermmmm... no comment?

So, from the above, i have slacked.
But why?
Many reasons i think, i get complacent, I've been busy, I've been stressed, i don't want to, i get bored of the same meals, i get bored of pointing, i can't be bothered, whats the point i can't *see* the difference, i get over-confident, i think that I've lost weight - yippeee! No more pointing for me - you get the picture, all these things and more. None of which are original to me.

So, where to go forward from here...
I need to acknowledge that a pound loss is a good thing.
I am now under 300lbs and that is an achievement in itself.
I have lost 17.5 lbs in 8 weeks - that's still a healthy steady weight-loss.
Its okay to fall off the wagon, i just need to get back on it.
And that for more success, i need to work at it.

This fortnight i will be writing down my points here, i may not write it down on the day, but it will appear here - and if i have gone over, i will state why.
I will also be weighing things - even fruit

So, starting as i mean to go on:
Monday 1st March points
Homemade Breakfast bars - 5
Meatballs and brown rice - 9
One Mango - 1.5
Galia Melon, strawberries and nuts - 2
Homemade Fish and Chips - 9
Baked Beans - 3
Ketchup - 0.5
Equals a total of 30 points
Five portions of fruit/veg, five cups of water,

Lenty Mc-Lentsville Week 1

2010-02-21T22:56:00.004Z

Okay then, the last post of the day of utter mammoth post-ed-ness..

How is Lent going?

Not too bad as it goes, i haven't bought any tacky magazines this week (a guilty yet expensive pleasure of mine) and I've made conscious decisions to go to cheaper markets to get fruit and vegetables before going to the big supermarkets so I'm saving a few pennies there.

Taking my vitamins and going yeast-free, I've had cravings for chocolate this week (my reliable food that honestly makes me feel better when stressed - yeah right!) and I've denied them. I wasn't sure what to do about hot chocolate till L-day itself, so i had my last one and from then on i will include it in the No-way-hosay category.

The only one I'm not fulfilling is the exercise, i still have time, so tomorrow evening i shall find my TV... And start with the working my fat butt off!!

Is anyone else following any Lent plans? How's it going?

Things I am grateful for:

2010-02-21T22:48:00.003Z

1. Pyjama days - oh how i love thee, precious pyjama's and fluffy slippers!
2. Listening colleagues - nuff said.
3. Vitamins! Making me feel healthier one molecule at a time!
4. My very own lettuce-space - whilst i love the man-lettuce, i do loves me my own space to relax and chill out in
5. Low-fat peanut butter - i'm sure its not good for me, i'm sure its not even real food, but i do love it so.
6. Planning ahead - whilst my lettuce-head is not psychic, it will help me budget (money and points) for what i can predict.
7. Lychees! Strawberries! Mangoes! Fruity Goodness, oh beautiful manna sent from above!

Why it's Baking Sunday!

2010-02-21T20:15:00.006Z

I have had a productive day in the kitchen today...

I have made cranberry-orange muffins so i have no excuse to not eat breakfast anymore! These bad boys are 6 points each, which is okay with the amount of points i have at the moment, but in the future it will be somewhat point-i-rific so i really want to try SusanV's Cranberry-Orange Muffins which I'm going to need to point up first!
Okay, so the before shot....

A bit splattery as i used an ice-cream scoop for the measurement (advice given from the mum-lettuce!)
Then the after-shot...

Sooooo full of the nom and perfect for breakfast
(and yes, for those of you that look closely enough, those are Halloween cake cases!)

I came across SusanV's blog after Marisa at Loser for Life posted a link to the recipe for Banana Maple Oatmeal Cookies... and being the domestic goddess that i am, i put those to the test as well....

Again, they are utterly yummy! And three points for two... not sure if I'm going to react to the sugar in the maple syrup as in theory yeast thrives and multiplies on sugar so we're going to put them to the test....
(And for those of you who may be new or just plain going *eh?* in their heads, please check previous posts about yeast intolerences!)